It was a mistake!

25 11 2013

It’s almost my moms birthday.  I have been looking over my old post trying to find some to send my mother to share the bond I feel with her one more time, and I found this. It was originally posted on  Jul 4, 2012 .  One of my first posts here and long ago lost in all I have written.

I had to post it again.  I don’t know that anyone but me would find it funny but it’s always worth sharing a laugh.   More than that it’s a wave at an old friend.  You are loved and missed and I am so sure you know that, as I can see you active in the lives of your baby girls.   Hugs and smooches my friend.

with love,

Sincerely, SB

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I tried to bury the household pet turtle and it kicked off a late night of lying on the bed with our feet kicked up like school girls having a sleep over; chatting and laughing.  It was a mistake that my sister-in-law thought that she would never have made!

To start with the water smelled funny and had a suspicious film on it that I hadn’t seen before. Then I fed him twice and he hadn’t even lifted his head. In our family, I am the one that takes care of those kind of things so I went out back and dug him a hole.

I picked up the bowl and headed out, and it wasn’t until I had poured out almost all the water that he suddenly sprang to life!  And to think we were that close to having room for a cat!

Valerie has decided that we have to restrict his T.V. time due to the fact that he has either watched to many Geico commercials and was beginning to immitate the oppossum or we foiled a planned escape using the methods that he had learned watching finding Nemo.  Either way she was sure that the T.V. was a bad influence on him.

As long as we were on the subject of death and dying, (and if you think that’s a tad morbid you don’t know my sister-in-law) we spent awhile laughing over the coffin that she had picked out.  It was Purple!   She “found one much cheeper at Cosco but she couldn’t get it in the color she wanted” so we’re going to get it and completely cover it in faux purple gems and right across the face of it we’re putting Live, Love and Laugh.  Like her it will be an original!

Valerie fights hard for every moment she has here and is giving me lessons close up and hands on that it’s not really what happens to us, but our attitude about it that determines our level of happiness in this life.  Over that, we have complete control.

You have to find the roses; the thorns will always find you.

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Recently inspired…

27 07 2013

“The Beautiful thing is that healing happens and one day you can actually wake up and find that what “defined you” is just part of a long ago history that really isn’t important at all. It is easier said than done, but sometimes you’re looking so hard at a way to make it happen that you don’t realize, it just does.

You wake up and find loving yourself doesn’t need excuses, it doesn’t need validation, it isn’t something you need to earn. You were born deserving it and one day you just know that nothing anyone did to you after birth changed that fact.

Then you look around and realize this is YOUR life and every moment is a new one to start fresh and paint again what you want it to look like from here on and THAT becomes the focus of your whole life, just to be in the beautiful world that you want to live in.”

I have landed in a place in my life that there is little for me to feel inspired to share anymore.  It has become a drama free zone and like someone slipping into a pool on a warm day I am just soaking in it and feeling blessed.

I really am not painting or creating anything.  It is part of the tapes of my growing up to feel that there is something really wrong with that.  The just breathing and taking up air without contributing to the world in any way that others profit from, but strangely enough they are missing from all the moments of my life now.

I feel Gratitude.  I feel love.  I hear silence where there has never been silence before and don’t question it.  Don’t fear that it’s a fleeting gift.  I aim for being a mirror of it.

I don’t fear being a sponge.  I know who and what I am, finally.  I am soaking in what I have now.  This part of my life is no longer connected to the life I had.  It’s not even based on who I was before.

Something miraculous has happened.  I reached a point where I stopped believing I earned pain in this life: That I deserved pain.   I can almost put my finger on when it happened and I can see the whole world changed to accommodate that new belief.

When you stop the way the world is spinning and spin it in the other direction, for a moment everything stops and you’re caught in the blur as you’re still spinning.  That’s where I have been and I feel like I am IN the moment of clarity, peace and silence that is that moment before it changes direction and everything begins again.

I am moving into a selfish zone where I get something for myself out of the life I have left.  I KNOW the reason we were put on the planet was so that something existed here that could appreciate all that God has done and I do.

I don’t know if you will want to be where I am.  I don’t even know if I will wake up tomorrow and be here myself but for this moment in time Life is so beautiful.

Without any artificial enhancements of any kind I assure you, the sadness, the blackness, they are all perfectly balanced and perfectly beautiful and it’s really OK to experience the other side.





“It’s the job that’s never started…

11 06 2013

as takes longest to finish”.  JRR Tolkien   Yesterday I started again.  Today I got up and worked out on my Total Gym.  Both times I could feel my body responding in positive ways.

I feel the determination build for me getting back to being healthy, but shortly after the first few days of built up determination pass find myself without the motivation I need to continue to fight my own unwillingness to do it anymore.

I though the magic was in my Total Gym.  It’s here, its set up and when I get on it, my body feels challenged. The memory of what I do is still there.  My workouts still feel smooth and I move through it without much thought, but then a morning comes where I just don’t get on it, and its done.

I had no end goal before.  I wanted my body strong and capable and healthy.  The last time my determination then was caused by the fact that I saw people my age loosing their ability to get around and giving in to it, and I had a limp.

I let myself get close to 250 lbs and my body wouldn’t carry that weight anymore.  I had problems climbing even just a few steps, having to pull with my arms as well to navigate them.  I had to fight back.

Several times I have hit that place, but my Mother has been there pushing me.  This was the first time I did it all on my own.  I saw myself losing my ability to walk and fought back, but I am not there now.

I am not at the fitness level I was when I got here but there are no real limitations to what I feel like I can do.  The older I get the more I have to work to keep my weight at a level that feels healthy.

I am not my size.  I only compete with myself.  The paint brush is in my hand, I have to create with it or this will be just another wasted canvas.  Normally when I start working out the pounds drop off but once I turned 50 that changed.  When I fought my way back the last time it was months before I lost a size: I felt physically better and more capable just the same.

How did I get there before?  I just did it.  I knew what I wanted and every day I started toward that goal again.  Some days I couldn’t do it, but they got fewer and fewer as time went on till the times I didn’t do it were rare occurrences, and I WAS DOING IT.

Just DO IT.  That is what it means.  Don’t think about doing it.  Jump in and start and do it till its done.  No more excuses.  No more depression.  No more thinking it over.  I KNOW it’s really what I want.  Its time to just do it, again.





I’m up early…

6 06 2013

and sitting by the window watching the fog lift on our back yard.  As I lay in bed for over an hour this morning going over what the day would bring, I was looking for that first glimpse of light that would signal it had arrived.  Finally, tired of waiting got up to find that it was here but obstructed by the haze.

I came to WordPress looking to make a separate life for myself from the world that I find myself in and the move was a good one.  I find I don’t just come here to write but to read and it’s become a place of inspiration and encouragement.  I have several blogs that I follow now and add more daily.   If you weed carefully through the sites that are clearly here for self promotion you find blooms of extraordinary value.

I forget sometimes that this identity crisis that I am going through is pretty normal for people my age, and way past expected for what I just did!   I have ended a long term relationship; my children have all moved on; I have moved clear across the country leaving loved ones, pets, and all my possessions behind; I am going through “the change” and I don’t have a job!

Top that off with the fact that I shaved my head and for so long didn’t recognize the person that I saw in the mirror and it’s no wonder at all that I felt a bit crazy!  I get wrapped up in the fact that my own stuff compounds it, but boy oh boy is this normal!

Daily exercise was something that took me years to incorporate into my life and I just seemed to let go of it when I got here.  I thought picking it back up when I was ready would be easy as I have so much time now to do it, but it has turned into more of a challenge then I thought.

It was kind of funny to experience that first day as it was several days coming, and just to finally get to it, I was having to yell at myself every minute like I was a small child not wanting to get ready for school.  “I don’t care that you don’t want to … YOU HAVE TO… just DO IT!”   The second day was easier and today before my eyes even opened I was feeling around for my ball to work out with.

I am still only doing a few exercises every morning but I know myself well enough to know I will do more and more as I feel my body getting stronger.  I do love working out.  I am surprised that I have to let my body discover that again and again.   Someday every part of me will know this and I won’t have to try so hard to keep at it.

Sometimes we think we need a closet full of shoes…when just one boot will do.

Speaking of time… I have a huge awareness of the fact that I have so much of it that I can really experience so many things that I have missed since I was a child.  Once I had children of my own it was easy to feel overwhelmed by all that had to be done each day, and not take a moment to really feel and enjoy just being alive.

I lived next to a church steeple once and it was the only clock I had at the time.  I loved hearing it chime.  While I was walking down town yesterday it turned 2 o’clock.  I was in the very center of town and could hear several Church clocks chiming at once.  I can’t tell you how blessed I felt just sitting there experiencing that moment.  I experienced total heartfelt joy just existing in that point and time.

Writing what I am grateful for was also on my to do list, and today that was mine.





I have been wrapping myself in depression…

3 03 2013

curled in a ball unable to do even the simplest things that I KNOW pull me out.  I have been here so many times before that I knew this was coming!  I tried not to predict its path.  I knew what I needed and because I felt what was best for me was bad for others and I waited till I am stuck in the mist of it.   I have been here before.

I keep trying to grab onto the positive.  Keep looking forward.  Keep holding on to some thread of a dream that might draw me back into this life.

This last week I have done not one good thing!  NOTHING!  I have to work to keep the pain of just that from overwhelming me.  I am fighting back the fear that says I am nothing… just like my Aunt and my Father used to say, “You are trash like your mother”,  “You will never be anything, you will never have anything.” This morning I was thinking “All this crap swimming around in my head!” and you know what that got me???

Dory!  God knows that I have been beaten with HIS Bible so he speaks to me in the silliest things.  He sent me Dory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBtc254NIMc

I watch that stupid video and know God is speaking to me and as the tears are flowing I feel not so alone anymore.  Not so afraid to move forward with faith and watch what HE can do with what others have discarded!

I am not an artist; I am not beautiful, or creative, or strong, and I don’t feel capable of big things, but God knows I need to be.  God YOU make wonderful things!  Make something of ME!  Please don’t leave me this pile of trash that so many see so clearly!  I know that’s why you brought me here to be with Val.

Val never preached.  She never judged.  She never told me of her faith but she lived it every day.  She isn’t the only one.  Why Carla?  Why would you send me Carla to lift me up and tell me of your love when I abandoned her child, my Grandchild, and made a life without them?

I see them contrasted with the Christians in my life and I see, really see, that the hurt that robbed me of being able to wrap myself in the label, hasn’t robbed me of YOUR love.

Today I am Grateful.  I will swim, even though I am afraid; even though I feel wrapped in darkness without any sense of direction or peace, even though I don’t feel like I have the strength to move forward anymore.  I will just keep moving, because I know that is what your telling me to do.

I am following YOU.





For three days now…

12 02 2013

my blood-pressure has been lower than it’s been in years, its gone from a high 10 days ago of 211/117 to  ~129/80!  Feeling pretty awesome about that, and determined to stay with my program to get healthy again.  Have basically added a half an avocado, garlic, vinegar, dill pickles, and fruit to my daily diet and dropped some of my meat.  Go Me!!!

Worked my behind off yesterday but when I get up in the morning, I start officially working out!  I have the workout clothes and music set out… Rocky is back!

OK it’s morning and I re-arranged the room with most of the furniture on the bed and worked out!

I took it pretty easy doing lots of slow stretches and moved carefully not to do anything that used my rotator cuff so I could test that injury and strengthen that arm without re-injuring it.   (Not trying to be a wimp here but don’t have time to wait for it to heal again if I am going to do this.  It was months before I could sleep without pain.)  After a 40 minute workout I feel Great.  Remembering now exactly why I used to do this.

BP this morning 126/67!  My body is giving me great feedback that this is exactly what I should be doing right now and it’s not too late!  I can reclaim everything I have lost.  Wooo Wooo!!!





The pickle thing…

8 02 2013

I have been drinking water with fresh lemon juice in it for the last 2 days thinking the vitamin c couldn’t hurt.  Have taken 2 tbsp vinegar with 1 tbsp  of raw honey in a half cup of water once a day as well,.  Other than that I haven’t lifted my head from the pillow except to use the restroom.

I have taken my blood pressure and it seems a bit lower 152/97 but the bottom number is still too high.  If this all natural way is going to help I am primed for it … there really isn’t anything else in my system anymore.

I ate watermelon for breakfast and just had a sauerkraut sandwich on sprouted wheat bread…(which my cat went insane over) and a pickle. Turns out fermented pickles are not all that easy to find and they are a bit pricier then the other kind, but the extra work seemed worth it as I am thinking I should reintroduce good bacteria into my system.

They have to be refrigerated but not all the pickles in the refrigerator section are fermented…in fact I went to 2 stores that had none.  Public’s had them and an all natural sauerkraut as well so I got them both.   Most companies add preservatives and then pasteurize the kraut, which kills any beneficial  bacteria that ever lived in it.

I am eating pickles to bring down my blood pressure but high blood pressure isn’t something you want to mess around with.  It really puts a strain on all your vital organs and ups the chances you will have a stroke or heart attack.

While regular exercise helps lower blood pressure I am not starting an exercise program without bringing mine down to a healthier level.  It feels risky and I want to get healthy.  If my blood pressure isn’t in the acceptable rage by Monday I am off to the Dr for Med’s.  I don’t want to spend too much time playing with this …just hoping that I don’t have to go..

Just how much can what you eat regulate your health?  We seem to have 2 major opposing camps here…there is the group that says, you don’t need anything but a healthy variety of foods, taking extra vitamins and eating all natural and organic is a hoax; and then the camp that says the way food is processed now changes everything; you need to go organic when ever possible and supplement to get what we used to get naturally from our food.

I have done the all natural thing and gotten my health back before.  I’m still thinking its possible for me to do it now.





Well it could be worse…

5 02 2013

Had a health assessment done as a starting place for getting ready for the trip. I am 54, 5’7″ tall, Weight 238 lbs, measurements, It’s ugly…no wonder I can’t fit in any of my clothes anymore, a fasting plasma glucose level of 127, overall cholesterol 180 which is very good considering all the rest, but blood pressure 211/147. No shit. I have taken it everyday for 4 days now at different times and it never got lower than 152/80 and 3 out of 4 days it was over 175/90.

I am obese, I am possibly diabetic, and my blood pressure is high enough to keep me in an emergency room till they could bring it down if I went. I am hoping that if I drop 50 lbs most of that should change.

They want me on medication but considering all the stress I have had lately and my poor eating habits, I think I will try all natural first. I am taking a baby aspirin to lower the chance that a clot will be a problem while I try to bring my blood pressure down.

I have a lot of work to do! The first is to try changing my diet and add exercise to my daily routine and then we will see where we stand. I spend all morning on the internet making a list of things I need to eat healthier and get my blood pressure under control.

Next thing was shopping. I spent $160.00 and expect that what I bought should last me several weeks. First I went to Whole Foods and bought flax, sesame, sunflower seeds and almonds as well as the whole grains Amaranth, triticale, Barley, Oat berries, wheat berries, Quinoa and Rye and plan to use those as much as possible in place of most of my protein and starches. I also bought Agave and raw unfiltered honey for sweetening, raw unpasteurized apple cider vinegar and cold pressed extra virgin olive oil.

Then I took off to Publix for the rest of my shopping, the prices fit my budget better and I do love shopping there. The stores are clean, the shelves well stocked, the people are helpful and friendly, they bag the groceries and always place all my bags in my cart, and I don’t have to have a special card to get the discounts on sale items.

There I grabbed a whole chicken, a whole turkey breast, an Italian herb salad dressing mix, real butter, eggs, seriously sharp white cheddar, green tea, Ezekiel Bread, unflavored Greek yogurt, frozen mixed berries, raw carrots, melon, grapes, apples, lemons, baby greens, spinach, onions, Kale, garlic, tomatoes, potatoes and avocados.

Next I need to prepare everything as much as possible in single serving packages. Tonight I chop and prep the vegetables to make them simple as snacks to grab and eat. Potatoes are scrubbed and wrapped in plastic wrap for micro waving as needed. Tomorrow I roast both a turkey breast and a whole chicken, shred the meat and put it in single 3 oz servings and freeze them.

I need to mix whole grains into my morning oats. I used to do this and I believe the mix of quinoa, rye, barley, Oat berries, wheat berries, triticale and flax-seed should cook up well together. Once mixed and stored in an airtight container they can be cooked with water as is (about 1 cup of water to 1/3 C grain per serving and cook for 40-60 minutes). I also soaked them the night before, or quick chopped them in a bullet at the time they are cooked for faster cooking times and a less chewy more “normal” consistency. Those that don’t mix well with my morning Oatmeal will make great additions to salads.

I need to get off here and fix something for dinner. Exhausted…really don’t have the energy I used to have.

Will check in with you later.
sincerely, SB








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