It was a mistake!

25 11 2013

It’s almost my moms birthday.  I have been looking over my old post trying to find some to send my mother to share the bond I feel with her one more time, and I found this. It was originally posted on  Jul 4, 2012 .  One of my first posts here and long ago lost in all I have written.

I had to post it again.  I don’t know that anyone but me would find it funny but it’s always worth sharing a laugh.   More than that it’s a wave at an old friend.  You are loved and missed and I am so sure you know that, as I can see you active in the lives of your baby girls.   Hugs and smooches my friend.

with love,

Sincerely, SB

****************************************************************************************************

I tried to bury the household pet turtle and it kicked off a late night of lying on the bed with our feet kicked up like school girls having a sleep over; chatting and laughing.  It was a mistake that my sister-in-law thought that she would never have made!

To start with the water smelled funny and had a suspicious film on it that I hadn’t seen before. Then I fed him twice and he hadn’t even lifted his head. In our family, I am the one that takes care of those kind of things so I went out back and dug him a hole.

I picked up the bowl and headed out, and it wasn’t until I had poured out almost all the water that he suddenly sprang to life!  And to think we were that close to having room for a cat!

Valerie has decided that we have to restrict his T.V. time due to the fact that he has either watched to many Geico commercials and was beginning to immitate the oppossum or we foiled a planned escape using the methods that he had learned watching finding Nemo.  Either way she was sure that the T.V. was a bad influence on him.

As long as we were on the subject of death and dying, (and if you think that’s a tad morbid you don’t know my sister-in-law) we spent awhile laughing over the coffin that she had picked out.  It was Purple!   She “found one much cheeper at Cosco but she couldn’t get it in the color she wanted” so we’re going to get it and completely cover it in faux purple gems and right across the face of it we’re putting Live, Love and Laugh.  Like her it will be an original!

Valerie fights hard for every moment she has here and is giving me lessons close up and hands on that it’s not really what happens to us, but our attitude about it that determines our level of happiness in this life.  Over that, we have complete control.

You have to find the roses; the thorns will always find you.





Recently inspired…

27 07 2013

“The Beautiful thing is that healing happens and one day you can actually wake up and find that what “defined you” is just part of a long ago history that really isn’t important at all. It is easier said than done, but sometimes you’re looking so hard at a way to make it happen that you don’t realize, it just does.

You wake up and find loving yourself doesn’t need excuses, it doesn’t need validation, it isn’t something you need to earn. You were born deserving it and one day you just know that nothing anyone did to you after birth changed that fact.

Then you look around and realize this is YOUR life and every moment is a new one to start fresh and paint again what you want it to look like from here on and THAT becomes the focus of your whole life, just to be in the beautiful world that you want to live in.”

I have landed in a place in my life that there is little for me to feel inspired to share anymore.  It has become a drama free zone and like someone slipping into a pool on a warm day I am just soaking in it and feeling blessed.

I really am not painting or creating anything.  It is part of the tapes of my growing up to feel that there is something really wrong with that.  The just breathing and taking up air without contributing to the world in any way that others profit from, but strangely enough they are missing from all the moments of my life now.

I feel Gratitude.  I feel love.  I hear silence where there has never been silence before and don’t question it.  Don’t fear that it’s a fleeting gift.  I aim for being a mirror of it.

I don’t fear being a sponge.  I know who and what I am, finally.  I am soaking in what I have now.  This part of my life is no longer connected to the life I had.  It’s not even based on who I was before.

Something miraculous has happened.  I reached a point where I stopped believing I earned pain in this life: That I deserved pain.   I can almost put my finger on when it happened and I can see the whole world changed to accommodate that new belief.

When you stop the way the world is spinning and spin it in the other direction, for a moment everything stops and you’re caught in the blur as you’re still spinning.  That’s where I have been and I feel like I am IN the moment of clarity, peace and silence that is that moment before it changes direction and everything begins again.

I am moving into a selfish zone where I get something for myself out of the life I have left.  I KNOW the reason we were put on the planet was so that something existed here that could appreciate all that God has done and I do.

I don’t know if you will want to be where I am.  I don’t even know if I will wake up tomorrow and be here myself but for this moment in time Life is so beautiful.

Without any artificial enhancements of any kind I assure you, the sadness, the blackness, they are all perfectly balanced and perfectly beautiful and it’s really OK to experience the other side.





“It’s the job that’s never started…

11 06 2013

as takes longest to finish”.  JRR Tolkien   Yesterday I started again.  Today I got up and worked out on my Total Gym.  Both times I could feel my body responding in positive ways.

I feel the determination build for me getting back to being healthy, but shortly after the first few days of built up determination pass find myself without the motivation I need to continue to fight my own unwillingness to do it anymore.

I though the magic was in my Total Gym.  It’s here, its set up and when I get on it, my body feels challenged. The memory of what I do is still there.  My workouts still feel smooth and I move through it without much thought, but then a morning comes where I just don’t get on it, and its done.

I had no end goal before.  I wanted my body strong and capable and healthy.  The last time my determination then was caused by the fact that I saw people my age loosing their ability to get around and giving in to it, and I had a limp.

I let myself get close to 250 lbs and my body wouldn’t carry that weight anymore.  I had problems climbing even just a few steps, having to pull with my arms as well to navigate them.  I had to fight back.

Several times I have hit that place, but my Mother has been there pushing me.  This was the first time I did it all on my own.  I saw myself losing my ability to walk and fought back, but I am not there now.

I am not at the fitness level I was when I got here but there are no real limitations to what I feel like I can do.  The older I get the more I have to work to keep my weight at a level that feels healthy.

I am not my size.  I only compete with myself.  The paint brush is in my hand, I have to create with it or this will be just another wasted canvas.  Normally when I start working out the pounds drop off but once I turned 50 that changed.  When I fought my way back the last time it was months before I lost a size: I felt physically better and more capable just the same.

How did I get there before?  I just did it.  I knew what I wanted and every day I started toward that goal again.  Some days I couldn’t do it, but they got fewer and fewer as time went on till the times I didn’t do it were rare occurrences, and I WAS DOING IT.

Just DO IT.  That is what it means.  Don’t think about doing it.  Jump in and start and do it till its done.  No more excuses.  No more depression.  No more thinking it over.  I KNOW it’s really what I want.  Its time to just do it, again.





I have been wrapping myself in depression…

3 03 2013

curled in a ball unable to do even the simplest things that I KNOW pull me out.  I have been here so many times before that I knew this was coming!  I tried not to predict its path.  I knew what I needed and because I felt what was best for me was bad for others and I waited till I am stuck in the mist of it.   I have been here before.

I keep trying to grab onto the positive.  Keep looking forward.  Keep holding on to some thread of a dream that might draw me back into this life.

This last week I have done not one good thing!  NOTHING!  I have to work to keep the pain of just that from overwhelming me.  I am fighting back the fear that says I am nothing… just like my Aunt and my Father used to say, “You are trash like your mother”,  “You will never be anything, you will never have anything.” This morning I was thinking “All this crap swimming around in my head!” and you know what that got me???

Dory!  God knows that I have been beaten with HIS Bible so he speaks to me in the silliest things.  He sent me Dory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBtc254NIMc

I watch that stupid video and know God is speaking to me and as the tears are flowing I feel not so alone anymore.  Not so afraid to move forward with faith and watch what HE can do with what others have discarded!

I am not an artist; I am not beautiful, or creative, or strong, and I don’t feel capable of big things, but God knows I need to be.  God YOU make wonderful things!  Make something of ME!  Please don’t leave me this pile of trash that so many see so clearly!  I know that’s why you brought me here to be with Val.

Val never preached.  She never judged.  She never told me of her faith but she lived it every day.  She isn’t the only one.  Why Carla?  Why would you send me Carla to lift me up and tell me of your love when I abandoned her child, my Grandchild, and made a life without them?

I see them contrasted with the Christians in my life and I see, really see, that the hurt that robbed me of being able to wrap myself in the label, hasn’t robbed me of YOUR love.

Today I am Grateful.  I will swim, even though I am afraid; even though I feel wrapped in darkness without any sense of direction or peace, even though I don’t feel like I have the strength to move forward anymore.  I will just keep moving, because I know that is what your telling me to do.

I am following YOU.





There was a girl…

18 02 2013

with a pretty little curl right in the middle of her forehead, when she was good she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid!

I woke up this morning realizing that I had been really bad yesterday, horrible, awful, bad.  I didn’t work out thinking I would do it later and instead I ran off to meet the guy who will mentor me in this bike trip.

We had some very strong coffee and I really enjoyed our time together.  It was really good to get a chance to know him.  We have kindred spirits.

I gave him a gift of banana bread and he gave me a cookie, which I popped into my mouth immediately before he could suggest that I start with only half.  His gift was more special then mine.

By the time I got home I was laughing my behind off.  Then I was wishing I had stayed and spent some personal time with him.  After that I started eating everything in the house.  Every crappy cream filled, sugary, salty no no thing in the house was on the list.

When I realized that single handedly I had eaten a whole bag of chips, (eeek! all that salt!) I made myself take a nap to quit!  7 hours later I woke up and it was dark.  I wasted that day!  I wanted to get up and make amends for it by jumping back into working out and behaving, and yet I was really NOT wanting to.  My body was just not into that idea.

Finally this morning I put on the music and made myself move and I was really feeling how hard it was to push myself to do it.  I am getting pain in some mussels like my abs which I am usually very unaware of.  After my 40 minutes, I felt pretty happy with myself.

Then I took my BP and went to put it down, and actually counted it out and realized that I had SKIPPED 3 DAYS, before I started working out again.  No wonder my body put up such a fuss!  Now I am recommitted to doing this everyday and back to my healthier way of eating…Oatmeal anyone???





Check it

12 02 2013

DSCN0980 (2)I am a list maker and a goal setter.  I set goals for no reason other then to have one.  I like the process of breaking things down in my mind to small achievable steps and working on it.

This trip has me blissful.  I have a huge number of obstacles; I don’t have a bike, a job, any money, my health was worrisome, I probably couldn’t walk 5 miles in less then 2 hours, and I want to bike over 2,500 in 2 months, I can’t leave my cat, and we haven’t even started planning the trip itself yet.  This is great!

I have worked through the health issues for now.  My BP and blood-sugar should only improve with exercise, so I’m good.  Check.

Started working out…check.

Funding is up next.  Today an old friend is putting me to work, so I am out of here…yea!  Check!    God loves worker bee’s!

Sincerely,

SB





For three days now…

12 02 2013

my blood-pressure has been lower than it’s been in years, its gone from a high 10 days ago of 211/117 to  ~129/80!  Feeling pretty awesome about that, and determined to stay with my program to get healthy again.  Have basically added a half an avocado, garlic, vinegar, dill pickles, and fruit to my daily diet and dropped some of my meat.  Go Me!!!

Worked my behind off yesterday but when I get up in the morning, I start officially working out!  I have the workout clothes and music set out… Rocky is back!

OK it’s morning and I re-arranged the room with most of the furniture on the bed and worked out!

I took it pretty easy doing lots of slow stretches and moved carefully not to do anything that used my rotator cuff so I could test that injury and strengthen that arm without re-injuring it.   (Not trying to be a wimp here but don’t have time to wait for it to heal again if I am going to do this.  It was months before I could sleep without pain.)  After a 40 minute workout I feel Great.  Remembering now exactly why I used to do this.

BP this morning 126/67!  My body is giving me great feedback that this is exactly what I should be doing right now and it’s not too late!  I can reclaim everything I have lost.  Wooo Wooo!!!





Well it could be worse…

5 02 2013

Had a health assessment done as a starting place for getting ready for the trip. I am 54, 5’7″ tall, Weight 238 lbs, measurements, It’s ugly…no wonder I can’t fit in any of my clothes anymore, a fasting plasma glucose level of 127, overall cholesterol 180 which is very good considering all the rest, but blood pressure 211/147. No shit. I have taken it everyday for 4 days now at different times and it never got lower than 152/80 and 3 out of 4 days it was over 175/90.

I am obese, I am possibly diabetic, and my blood pressure is high enough to keep me in an emergency room till they could bring it down if I went. I am hoping that if I drop 50 lbs most of that should change.

They want me on medication but considering all the stress I have had lately and my poor eating habits, I think I will try all natural first. I am taking a baby aspirin to lower the chance that a clot will be a problem while I try to bring my blood pressure down.

I have a lot of work to do! The first is to try changing my diet and add exercise to my daily routine and then we will see where we stand. I spend all morning on the internet making a list of things I need to eat healthier and get my blood pressure under control.

Next thing was shopping. I spent $160.00 and expect that what I bought should last me several weeks. First I went to Whole Foods and bought flax, sesame, sunflower seeds and almonds as well as the whole grains Amaranth, triticale, Barley, Oat berries, wheat berries, Quinoa and Rye and plan to use those as much as possible in place of most of my protein and starches. I also bought Agave and raw unfiltered honey for sweetening, raw unpasteurized apple cider vinegar and cold pressed extra virgin olive oil.

Then I took off to Publix for the rest of my shopping, the prices fit my budget better and I do love shopping there. The stores are clean, the shelves well stocked, the people are helpful and friendly, they bag the groceries and always place all my bags in my cart, and I don’t have to have a special card to get the discounts on sale items.

There I grabbed a whole chicken, a whole turkey breast, an Italian herb salad dressing mix, real butter, eggs, seriously sharp white cheddar, green tea, Ezekiel Bread, unflavored Greek yogurt, frozen mixed berries, raw carrots, melon, grapes, apples, lemons, baby greens, spinach, onions, Kale, garlic, tomatoes, potatoes and avocados.

Next I need to prepare everything as much as possible in single serving packages. Tonight I chop and prep the vegetables to make them simple as snacks to grab and eat. Potatoes are scrubbed and wrapped in plastic wrap for micro waving as needed. Tomorrow I roast both a turkey breast and a whole chicken, shred the meat and put it in single 3 oz servings and freeze them.

I need to mix whole grains into my morning oats. I used to do this and I believe the mix of quinoa, rye, barley, Oat berries, wheat berries, triticale and flax-seed should cook up well together. Once mixed and stored in an airtight container they can be cooked with water as is (about 1 cup of water to 1/3 C grain per serving and cook for 40-60 minutes). I also soaked them the night before, or quick chopped them in a bullet at the time they are cooked for faster cooking times and a less chewy more “normal” consistency. Those that don’t mix well with my morning Oatmeal will make great additions to salads.

I need to get off here and fix something for dinner. Exhausted…really don’t have the energy I used to have.

Will check in with you later.
sincerely, SB








%d bloggers like this: