Virtual Dating and other realities.

5 06 2013

There are some realities about caring for a family member that having a computer has made so much easier.  Shopping on line is one of them.  I have even shopped for a mate on line and it does have some advantages.

When your housebound it also gives you another option, virtual dating.  I was introduced to this option by someone from OKCupid who took me to Secondlife for virtual dating experiences.  I am over 50 years old and I am sure younger people have no problem with this, but for me this was a problem.

To start with navigation has to be learned.  I love my computer for many things but I have not spent much time playing RPG’s on it.  I was quickly able to figure things out well enough to walk from one point to another.  It took me longer to follow when someone could virtually pop from one place to another, and keeping them from getting bored while I fumbled around with the controls was even harder than learning navigation.

The first thing you do is make an Avatar or a virtual representation of yourself to use in your ‘Secondlife’ account.  Remember when your Mother told you that you could be anything you wanted to be?  Well, here you really can.  You can be young, thin, tall, blond, and you can make this virtual space as much your life as any you currently live.  You can choose a career, design your own stuff, even run a virtual business.

Shock and dismay here but you can even use REAL money to by virtual stuff.  I can see this being a generational issue but I am doing non virtual stuff to earn that money and spending it on Virtually NOTHING is still beyond my comprehension.

We had a few dates on secondlife but not successfully.  While these times did get to be enjoyable much of my time not wrapped in this new world of possibilities was spent deciding just how much I was willing to let my secondlife take up of my first one.

I put an end to the virtual dating a short time after trying it.  I have been around a while and have a history of making choices that put me virtually as much as possible in the world that I believe I am living.  I have refused to be medicated long-term for anything, and don’t often drink or use drugs as I feel doing so takes away from my ability to experience this existence.

I also wanted to be in a relationship with another human being in such a way that I could feel that I knew them.  I believe; that the only point of this life is to experience living it, that when I look into someones eyes I can know what they are feeling,   that we can actually share our true character with another human being, and that they are able to share theirs with us.  How would either of us know if anything that we were sharing in that virtual world had any validity at all?  If I couldn’t then what was the point?

My brother likes video games.  He has one game that virtually puts you behind the wheel of what ever car you want to drive on almost any racetrack in the world.  It is so perfect in its re-creation that there is reflection from the signage in the front end of the car as you go around the track.  In another game he rides a horse through the old west.  I have been on a horse; what you see on the screen is incredibly true to that experience!

We are blessed to live in an age of infinite possibilities.  It may be a true measure of my age in how resistant I have become to embracing all of them, but I have spent more than a little time lately thinking how much it will influence my ability to make what I consider “real” connections with people in the future, when so many others do.





Imitation of life…

26 11 2012

The movie was on this week and is one of Val’s favorites.  We watched it together.  It’s about a Black girl who looks white and hates the way people treat her because of her race enough to leave her Mother and everyone she loves behind and try to live life as a white girl.

I am guilty of this as well.

I realized how public this forum was and went about cropping anything from it that might point to the fact that I am mentally ill.  I want to be “NORMAL”.  This is one of those rare times in my life that I actually think I could pass and people wouldn’t suspect that I am anything but who I represent myself to be.

There is an extreme bias against the mentally ill.  I have seen their fear when they looked at me and felt sick inside.  They had no way of knowing what it took for me to even be in public and how much more afraid of them I was, then they ever could be of me.

I have felt so good lately. That peace has had me wanting to let go of everything that hasn’t contributed to it.  I want more than anything to exist every day within the same stress as everyone else without fear of losing control of who I am and how I present to others.

I am guilty of deleting anything that makes me look less than normal.  Having DID seems too conspicuous and I am uncomfortable openly living with it.

So uncomfortable that I deleted a whole blog that was meant to help others understand DID better and see it for what I truly feel it is, a developmentally based normal reaction to repeated trauma.  Like the lead character in the in Imitation of life, I eventually became ashamed of the fact that I tried to hide who I am.

This is the time of year for giving Thanks and I have so much to be Thankful for.  My apologies are being left here with my gratitude for these months of peace.   Till we meet again…sincerely SB.





Dating and other suicidal tenancies…

15 08 2012

Have you ever computer dated?  You write a witty ad.  Put up a pic and wait for someone to show interest and see where that goes.  This is the equivalent of cutting behavior, without the fear that anyone will see the scars!

By sheer numbers alone it should make it easier to find someone to be with.  And for me it worked pretty well twice.  If you count answering someone else’s ad, three times but while I have met and shared really wonderful times with wonderful people … I really haven’t found what I’m looking for and now I am back to not looking.

I have a good life.  Real friends, close family, and more than enough going on to never get bored.  That should be enough.  Well that and my Battery operated boyfriend, which by the way I was too chicken shit to take on the plane and left in California!

It was for that reason I went on a ‘meet and greet’ yesterday, if you can call it that.  I would like to explain GREET: Give a polite word or sign of welcome or recognition to (someone) on meeting.

He had been insisting on meeting me and asked me to meet him for just one kiss while I was out, and I requested the meet and greet at Mc Donald’s instead.  I asked him to think about letting some sexual tension build between us first as it might change the outcome of that kiss.

When he first made that request I freaked and deleted my OKCupid account.  I realized instantly that while I am lonely, I am just not ready to meet someone.  Since I had started this by opening the account and inviting the exchange I felt the need to follow it through.

In one way it made sense.  Really!  I spent months in a relationship with someone thinking we were really compatible, but while I liked them immensely it just didn’t work out between us.   I really did wonder if love was just a chemical reaction and either we have it with someone or we don’t?

I have felt it when I first met someone but I don’t have enough experience to know if it’s something that will also come with time.   Why not let a kiss be the answer?  Why waste the time when we’re really not getting any younger?  Maybe it is as good a way as any to start a relationship.

When I got there I saw only young kids in the front of the restaurant so I bought my soda and walked around to the back and he waved from across the room … didn’t stand … looked disappointed … stared at his watch… asked when I had to leave.   I said an hour and a half and he looked at his watch again then and said “I have to take the truck back to my friend pretty soon”.

At this I couldn’t help but smile up at him with my biggest smile like I just didn’t get the clue.  We both sat there across the table from each other in awkward silence where part of me was reluctant to let him off the hook till I tired of torturing him, made an excuse to leave the restaurant with a ‘will call you’ and drove off.

I want to know how guys can instantly decide in that 16th of a second that you are not worth their time, like it is all on the line the moment you meet. I have met guys that said they were 5’10” and showed up 2″ shorter than my 5’7″ and still gave them the courtesy of looking for some kind of connection.

He was not the first to do so but he was by far the rudest.  I am not used to being treated like that, but I am grateful.  This site keeps calling to me like that shiny piece of glass used to when I was young.  I don’t know why I feel the need to do it, but again I feel that pain and know it was just what I needed at the time.

Thank you, It was very nice meeting you Mike.  Hopefully I won’t need to do that again for a while.








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