Memorials, memory’s, memorandums…

16 02 2013

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I have tried to make this site Valerie free so anything that I ever said that might hurt anyone would be gone, but Valerie is as much a part of my mind and heart today as she was 6 months ago.  Everything that’s a part of me eventually spills out on these pages.

Val’s memorial was last night.  For those that worked so hard to make it happen, it is done now.  I know that you did it because you loved her best.

I was the only dry eye in the whole place.  I was watching the pictures of her life play over and over and grinning from ear to ear.  Those were good memories, and for a lot of them I was there.  I can’t think of her and be sad.  The gifts she gave me I have kept close to my heart.  They are not gone; those are still mine.

Getting to stay at the nice hotel and going to the beach with the kids; really special meals at renowned restaurants, the births of our children, us cleaning like the dickens just before inspections, and honestly all the most tragic horrid moments of my life, she let me share those with her.  I never through out my hand that her hand didn’t grasp it.

This woman knew how to live.  Everyone spoke of her smile and her big hair, but it was her bigger then life spirit behind it that made you know that smile was genuine.  She was glad to be here on this planet, glad to share her life with those she loved, and really happy that people were so moved by her presence.

Life isn’t lived in minutes but in Moments.  She set life on it’s ear, the same as any artist would, to make you stop and take a second look.  Valerie made me appreciate the gift of this life and I truly don’t believe I could have without her.  Her gift was making memories and bestowing them on others.  She didn’t take that with her, she passed that on.





Three days straight of working out…

14 02 2013

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Back to painting again and heard from the boyfriend…it’s Valentines day!  Its stacking up to be a very good day.  If you’re here, I LOVE YOU!  Be good to yourself!  I am going to give myself the gift of a clean house and put the paint away for a while.  😀

See you again soon.





Check it

12 02 2013

DSCN0980 (2)I am a list maker and a goal setter.  I set goals for no reason other then to have one.  I like the process of breaking things down in my mind to small achievable steps and working on it.

This trip has me blissful.  I have a huge number of obstacles; I don’t have a bike, a job, any money, my health was worrisome, I probably couldn’t walk 5 miles in less then 2 hours, and I want to bike over 2,500 in 2 months, I can’t leave my cat, and we haven’t even started planning the trip itself yet.  This is great!

I have worked through the health issues for now.  My BP and blood-sugar should only improve with exercise, so I’m good.  Check.

Started working out…check.

Funding is up next.  Today an old friend is putting me to work, so I am out of here…yea!  Check!    God loves worker bee’s!

Sincerely,

SB





For three days now…

12 02 2013

my blood-pressure has been lower than it’s been in years, its gone from a high 10 days ago of 211/117 to  ~129/80!  Feeling pretty awesome about that, and determined to stay with my program to get healthy again.  Have basically added a half an avocado, garlic, vinegar, dill pickles, and fruit to my daily diet and dropped some of my meat.  Go Me!!!

Worked my behind off yesterday but when I get up in the morning, I start officially working out!  I have the workout clothes and music set out… Rocky is back!

OK it’s morning and I re-arranged the room with most of the furniture on the bed and worked out!

I took it pretty easy doing lots of slow stretches and moved carefully not to do anything that used my rotator cuff so I could test that injury and strengthen that arm without re-injuring it.   (Not trying to be a wimp here but don’t have time to wait for it to heal again if I am going to do this.  It was months before I could sleep without pain.)  After a 40 minute workout I feel Great.  Remembering now exactly why I used to do this.

BP this morning 126/67!  My body is giving me great feedback that this is exactly what I should be doing right now and it’s not too late!  I can reclaim everything I have lost.  Wooo Wooo!!!





My Brother and i

10 02 2013

took different gifts forward from our childhoods. In the last year I have been a personal witness to the most glaring difference and it’s become just as painful for us both, even though we chose different paths.

For most of our childhoods we were raised by a man who made the “truth” something held higher in his esteem than any other human trait.  He made our child hoods a living hell in the name of it.

He had his own business’s.  Always opening and closing them.  Running new ones to replace the old.  Rarely did he have less than 3 going at the same time.

We were told on a daily basis to lie to people.  Mostly  little things like He wasn’t around to take their calls, but there were things that we we’re witness’s to everyday that were constant reminders of the fact that he was less than honest with his day-to-day dealings with people.

My brother being the boy was more pulled into his business dealings then I, but even I knew that he  rigged things so part of his income never went on the books to avoid paying as much in business costs and taxes.

When he was given a credit card to buy supplies for jobs, he would also buy stuff for personal jobs he was doing around the house and he often kept tools left around job sites.  When we were old enough to handle the money we were expected to handle it in the same way.

In the privacy of his home though he demanded absolute honesty.  Nothing was to be hidden.  The truth would be routed out by any means necessary.  His favored way was a beating.  He would take both my brother and I in a room and start beating us till we broke.  If we had lied then we got the worst beating of all, “the liars whipping”.

This was a 200 lbs man who wielded a hammer all day long, wielding a belt most often but when that didn’t seem like enough to him what ever else he could find to up the pain, switches, planks of one by and even a horse whip for as long as he felt it necessary.

When it was me and it was going on, my mind could think of nothing but the excruciating pain but when it was my Brother in there, I would fervently be praying for what seemed like hours till it would come to an end.  Either way it was torture to endure it.

That gift I was telling you about.  Well my Brother learned a lesson about how to tell them.  Look we all lie.  Who hasn’t said “tell them I’m not home”?  My brother learned when you get caught in a lie you go down with it, take it to the grave and never give it up.   Watching it play out in his life is almost as painful as sitting there on that couch witnessing what caused it.

My gift.  I learned to take a grain of truth and wield it with laser-sharp precision.   Believe me, it too is damaging and I am no less horrified of the results.

 





She ain’t heavy,

9 02 2013

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we were buds.  This was my favorite picture of her, because for me Valerie was bigger then life. She didn’t understand why people who didn’t even really know her seemed to love her so much.

She had this diva quality that said she knew her worth, but the thing that made her irreplaceable is that she showed you your’s. She was able to make us know it, without ever putting it into words. As someone who uses so many of them I know the problem with words is so often they are never convincing.

I want to be more like her. She saw outside herself. She really looked at the people she was with and experienced being with them. You knew she was there because she wanted to be with you, not just with someone.

Even when it was on the phone.  She wasn’t talking just because she wanted to talk…it was you she wanted to talk to.  She was the diva but the feeling she gave was that in that moment you were the gift, and for that you had to love her.





The pickle thing…

8 02 2013

I have been drinking water with fresh lemon juice in it for the last 2 days thinking the vitamin c couldn’t hurt.  Have taken 2 tbsp vinegar with 1 tbsp  of raw honey in a half cup of water once a day as well,.  Other than that I haven’t lifted my head from the pillow except to use the restroom.

I have taken my blood pressure and it seems a bit lower 152/97 but the bottom number is still too high.  If this all natural way is going to help I am primed for it … there really isn’t anything else in my system anymore.

I ate watermelon for breakfast and just had a sauerkraut sandwich on sprouted wheat bread…(which my cat went insane over) and a pickle. Turns out fermented pickles are not all that easy to find and they are a bit pricier then the other kind, but the extra work seemed worth it as I am thinking I should reintroduce good bacteria into my system.

They have to be refrigerated but not all the pickles in the refrigerator section are fermented…in fact I went to 2 stores that had none.  Public’s had them and an all natural sauerkraut as well so I got them both.   Most companies add preservatives and then pasteurize the kraut, which kills any beneficial  bacteria that ever lived in it.

I am eating pickles to bring down my blood pressure but high blood pressure isn’t something you want to mess around with.  It really puts a strain on all your vital organs and ups the chances you will have a stroke or heart attack.

While regular exercise helps lower blood pressure I am not starting an exercise program without bringing mine down to a healthier level.  It feels risky and I want to get healthy.  If my blood pressure isn’t in the acceptable rage by Monday I am off to the Dr for Med’s.  I don’t want to spend too much time playing with this …just hoping that I don’t have to go..

Just how much can what you eat regulate your health?  We seem to have 2 major opposing camps here…there is the group that says, you don’t need anything but a healthy variety of foods, taking extra vitamins and eating all natural and organic is a hoax; and then the camp that says the way food is processed now changes everything; you need to go organic when ever possible and supplement to get what we used to get naturally from our food.

I have done the all natural thing and gotten my health back before.  I’m still thinking its possible for me to do it now.





I was hearing Rocky music…

7 02 2013

Then I got this flu that’s been going around.  The first day of it I was feeling cursed but I am feeling a bit better today and choose to see it as God helping me to jumpstart my new eating plan with a fast and cleanse.  Wooo wooo …gotta head back to bed now… sitting up isn’t good.





Dill pickles anyone???

5 02 2013

I was told I should add dill pickles to my diet.  After some research I agree.  Dill pickles are healthy. For example, dill and garlic, both of which are popular in pickles, both have the ability to regulate bacterial growth.

Dill and other spices also contain flavonoids, which help you heal. Mustard seeds are good for digestion and turmeric powder is believed to lower rates of Alzheimer’s disease.

Fermented pickles have lactic acid which may help to lower fat in the bloodstream, improve circulation, and lower high blood pressure.  They also have good bacteria  such as Lactobacillus acidophilus which is also why I’m eating the yogurt.

Many pickles are made with vinegar’s    This healthy liquid has several positive properties in addition to its tangy taste. Vinegar is known to boost the immune system, ease digestive disorders, and can break down calcium deposits in a person’s joints.

In addition, vinegar is known to decrease high blood pressure, and help treat urinary infections and may be a good preventative for kidney stones.  It is even said to re-mineralize your bones, balance your blood pH, and fight infection. Vinegar is also anti-bacterial and anti-fungal.  It inhibits the growth of the E.coli bacteria, and when used in conjunction with salt, which is common in pickling, the anti-bacterial properties are amplified.

 

I’m off to the store again!  See you soon.





Well it could be worse…

5 02 2013

Had a health assessment done as a starting place for getting ready for the trip. I am 54, 5’7″ tall, Weight 238 lbs, measurements, It’s ugly…no wonder I can’t fit in any of my clothes anymore, a fasting plasma glucose level of 127, overall cholesterol 180 which is very good considering all the rest, but blood pressure 211/147. No shit. I have taken it everyday for 4 days now at different times and it never got lower than 152/80 and 3 out of 4 days it was over 175/90.

I am obese, I am possibly diabetic, and my blood pressure is high enough to keep me in an emergency room till they could bring it down if I went. I am hoping that if I drop 50 lbs most of that should change.

They want me on medication but considering all the stress I have had lately and my poor eating habits, I think I will try all natural first. I am taking a baby aspirin to lower the chance that a clot will be a problem while I try to bring my blood pressure down.

I have a lot of work to do! The first is to try changing my diet and add exercise to my daily routine and then we will see where we stand. I spend all morning on the internet making a list of things I need to eat healthier and get my blood pressure under control.

Next thing was shopping. I spent $160.00 and expect that what I bought should last me several weeks. First I went to Whole Foods and bought flax, sesame, sunflower seeds and almonds as well as the whole grains Amaranth, triticale, Barley, Oat berries, wheat berries, Quinoa and Rye and plan to use those as much as possible in place of most of my protein and starches. I also bought Agave and raw unfiltered honey for sweetening, raw unpasteurized apple cider vinegar and cold pressed extra virgin olive oil.

Then I took off to Publix for the rest of my shopping, the prices fit my budget better and I do love shopping there. The stores are clean, the shelves well stocked, the people are helpful and friendly, they bag the groceries and always place all my bags in my cart, and I don’t have to have a special card to get the discounts on sale items.

There I grabbed a whole chicken, a whole turkey breast, an Italian herb salad dressing mix, real butter, eggs, seriously sharp white cheddar, green tea, Ezekiel Bread, unflavored Greek yogurt, frozen mixed berries, raw carrots, melon, grapes, apples, lemons, baby greens, spinach, onions, Kale, garlic, tomatoes, potatoes and avocados.

Next I need to prepare everything as much as possible in single serving packages. Tonight I chop and prep the vegetables to make them simple as snacks to grab and eat. Potatoes are scrubbed and wrapped in plastic wrap for micro waving as needed. Tomorrow I roast both a turkey breast and a whole chicken, shred the meat and put it in single 3 oz servings and freeze them.

I need to mix whole grains into my morning oats. I used to do this and I believe the mix of quinoa, rye, barley, Oat berries, wheat berries, triticale and flax-seed should cook up well together. Once mixed and stored in an airtight container they can be cooked with water as is (about 1 cup of water to 1/3 C grain per serving and cook for 40-60 minutes). I also soaked them the night before, or quick chopped them in a bullet at the time they are cooked for faster cooking times and a less chewy more “normal” consistency. Those that don’t mix well with my morning Oatmeal will make great additions to salads.

I need to get off here and fix something for dinner. Exhausted…really don’t have the energy I used to have.

Will check in with you later.
sincerely, SB





Starting over…

4 02 2013

I am part of a community of people who are mental ill.  I am both inside and outside of it.  I have years of experience with being there  but feel safely outside of that downward spiral for now.  Those same years of experience have shown me ways to get myself out when life pulls me back there.

I am hurting and part of this trip is keeping myself out of that place of isolation again.  I need face to face contact with others to have a healthy functioning brain.  It’s a fact that being around people is the best possible way for your brain to build the connections it needs to be fully functioning.

Isolation alone is disabling and the worst part is it’s self-perpetuating. I truly believe that if anyone is helped by therapy it’s because of that face to face contact.

Tripping around on the web has made me realize just how isolated people are getting and how little they realize that alone contributes to their problems. The web is great for connecting to others but it will never be as good as a hand in your own.

I was the starting over queen before there was an internet and I am grateful. I see people who seem well supported and connected on here all the time that still seem locked in their misery and lonely. The fact that this is the way that they learned to reach out to others, I think in some ways hurts them.

So many try to reach back in loving ways but they seem to keep that feeling of insulation and isolation. It is safer to reach out for acceptance here because you control how much people know about you and how they are able to touch you, and that is exactly what keeps it from being enough.

Nothing they say can ring true when the voice in your head says “yes but you don’t really know me”. You are not building trust either because you haven’t let go of complete control of how they are able to reach back.

Some ways that people have touched me have hurt me, but overwhelmingly the majority of people I come in contact with haven’t and so many have touched me in ways I have never forgotten and have healed immensely from. If you never trust again that can’t happen.

I believe that this world isn’t the scary place we see in the news; that over all people are good and want to help others.   We are encouraged to look at how we are different but there are more ways that we are the same.  I believe that everyone deserves respect.  It’s only after we have been shown it, that we begin to look worthy of it.

This trip is going to push my boundaries beyond my safe zone again.  I won’t be able to see the same people again and again.  I won’t know anyone I meet for two months and it isn’t going to be easy so if you recognize me out there on the road with my bicycle and beads, please do say hello.

It would make my world feel smaller and more comfortable, safer to be in.

Hope to see you soon, Sincerely SB





The truth…

30 01 2013

For the last few weeks I have been trying to make some sense of what has happened.  A year ago I landed here a mess just like I always do.  I had been dating one guy I couldn’t get away from and not feeling good enough to have a relationship with the perfect one who replaced him…and in the mist of everything Val exacted a promise.  

That promise did what all promises tend to do, it took on a life of it’s own.  There were days I didn’t feel I could honor it and she said she would understand.  There were a few times that she wished she hadn’t asked, and I wished I hadn’t said yes, but we had and we both saw it through.

Because we did I have the gift she wanted me to have when I came here and I feel grateful:  Some sense of value and self worth that I wasn’t able to find before.  This year was gift we gave each other.  It is time for us both to be at peace.  God bless everyone who has been supportive.  God Bless everyone who is in pain.  God Bless and tenderly keep Val till those who love her can be with her again.  Amen





Life is like a box of Chocolates…

28 01 2013

I woke up this morning and couldn’t stop crying.  I finally realized what IT is.  I need some kind of transition that has nothing to do with my old life or helping anyone else.   Something that doesn’t scream I was waiting for you to die so that I could get back to MY life!

I am not who I was when I came here.  I need time and space to find out who I am now.  People are having radical reactions to my saying this bike trip is it.  If you are among them please put your heart at rest.  I am not going down to the goodwill today, getting a bike and peddling off with my kitty on my shoulder.

I expect that those who love me, to support me and help me make this trip possible instead of telling me all the reasons it’s not practical.  I know that I haven’t worked out since I got here.  I expect to spend some time getting in shape.

I expect to spend some time raising money, ( it will take about $3000 to make that trip not including the bike and equipment) I expect to have every mile planned out before I leave.

I expect my “butt will hurt and that things will go wrong and that I will get sick of being on the road, and I may even just get sick”.  I honestly do know all of those things.  I know me well enough to know that all those miles of silence and movement are exactly what I need.  I am an adult challenging myself to actually make the most of my life.  It’s doable.

People my age and much older do this all the time.  I am setting a goal and working toward it with all the passion I applied to being here for Val this last year.   I have sent for maps that show the routes that cyclists take and joined a cycling group on-line.

I have connected with someone who has done this many times over and will help me get prepared to make the trip. I have to say Thank you for something… failing is no longer part of the equation. So many people have laughed at the idea that now I know just going till my heart stops hurting isn’t even possible. I have to make this trip ocean to ocean.

If you know me at all … You know that starting over is what I do best.

January 29, 2013 I begin again.  I hope that it’s OK that I stay in touch.

Sincerely,

SB




Found it…

28 01 2013

here in my cat!  I have to thank God constantly for his wisdom and the grace he has shown me.  I didn’t know when God brought her into my life that I would be the one to need her.  I didn’t know how little human touch would soothe my hurts or how soon I would find out: when he pushed up the urgency for me to go get her… but I truly believe HE did.

She starved herself to the point I worried about her just to get to be in the same room with me.  The more pain I am in the closer she stays.  Right now she is perched watching just inches from the keyboard patient with my need to write.

This morning she let me sob into her fur and nuzzled against my cheek, not minding the snot and tears, or caring about the wetness.  Last night she pushed so closely up against me that I felt her heart beating against mine.  Her CPR keeping mine going.

She puts a paw up to my cheek and pulls me closer to her to give me soft little nose kisses and leans in to give me whole body hugs.  How perfect a creature and how great the love of the one who sent her to me.

Yesterday I could feel only pain and anger and today because of her I have a heart full of Gratitude.  Thank You… How Great YOU are.  Thank you.





very old gal reviving old dream

27 01 2013

When I was a kid we would get the Sears Catalog.  They used to call it the wish book and that’s what I used it for… dreaming and wishing.  I used to dream of biking across the US and would spend countless hours planning that trip and figuring out where I would go and what I would need to take with me.   It seemed like everything I would ever need was right in that catalog and it made the idea of the trip real for me.

Then I started having kids and my Aunt told me to kiss that dream goodbye…”Honey if you haven’t done it by the time your 20 you never will.”  For years I never thought of it again.

I was divorced and most of my kids grown when the dream started building up in me again.  The boys had left home and I was wondering how I would transition my life to not having them to raise anymore.  My Daughter was 17 when her and I started talking about taking that trip together.  I was only 42 and the dream still felt like a possibility then.  We would leave in the early fall after she graduated high school.

Sass died and for a while I was afraid that the grief would kill my Mother.  I changed that plan and July 1st of 2001 I headed back to Oregon to be with her.  In October my Daughter had joined us and by the following spring was pregnant with her first child.  I remarried and just that and being a grandma was enough that I had no other dreams for a while.

Life constantly throws change and challenges at us.  Divorcing again has opened up a new world of possibilities.  I moved here with no notice at all and brought little of consequence with me, but the reason I came is coming to a close and again I am faced with the question of what I want to do with the time I have been blessed with.

Out of no-where I find myself talking with someone who as done this over 20 times and is planning a 6,000 mile sponsored bicycle ride, Jacksonville to Long Beach, CA and up the west coast to Coos Bay, OR and then retracing the entire route back to Jacksonville.  He is 65 years old!

I saw the movie “School of life” last night, and now it’s on my to do list.  In case you haven’t seen it (you should); the Teacher asked his students, “How much time do we have left?”, and they all look at the clock.  He says, “Not enough.  That’s how much time we have–not enough.”  

Every time I wanted to change I have.  That’s the thing, when your ready, you just do it.   I’m ready, so that’s my ‘what’s next’.  My family thinks I’m crazy…so glad that they aren’t wrong.   Gubette we’re off  on another adventure!  Any one know of a way to take a cat on a cross country bike ride.





Am I the only one

25 01 2013

DSCN0977That feels that when I can write (feel free to substitute your own talents here) I can’t paint…. and when I can paint I can’t write???  Like I truly can only access one area of my brain during that time.  Will be back when I can…





…sincerely SB.

21 01 2013

For the last few months I have been caught up in the drama of having a family member close to dying and emotionally I have divorced myself from everything else.

I only realized how divorced I have been in the last couple of days after the death of a fellow DID Blogger.  Sara was one of the first bloggers I followed when I joined WordPress and yet for the last few months I haven’t check her blog at all.

Some like Crazy in the Coconut, Vwoop Vwoop, and Depressed Moose are so prolific that they are always at the top of my page when I get in a mood to read but somehow I missed her most recent posts, and now she is gone.

There is an extreme bias against the mentally ill.  Those who don’t have DID, don’t know what its like to lose control of who you are and how you present to others, but we do.  

Sara wrote that people with DID commit Suicide more often than even people with severe depression and I believe this is true.  It is hard for anyone to live with our mistakes, but if your basic belief system is in place, you attempt to live close to those beliefs.   When you don’t have that protection your resulting actions will reflect that as well.

With me I have extreme conflicts between the one who believes all her power and worth is wrapped up in her sexuality, and the one who is very religious.   People who claim that we are all tempted and don’t all give into that temptation, don’t even live on the same planet as we do.

The difference is you have the advantage of that belief system when you make those decisions.  We bear responsibility for actions of parts of ourselves that don’t share our basic belief system and morals.  Often they don’t share our memories or history either.

I have had encounters with people who knew me that I didn’t know.  People who would have expectations that I would do things that the current occupant couldn’t imagine doing, and found offensive.  When that is normal for you the shame is something you carry with you always.

The outside world can’t imagine that any part of us really doesn’t know what the rest of us knows.  Internally it is just as hard for us to understand what is going on, and to deny that we have responsibility for all that we do.  

They call what we do “Dissociation” which implies that some part of it is voluntary, or an action we took intentionally to distance ourselves from pain.   That’s wrong!  It is brain damage, just like that caused by a stroke and nothing we did or didn’t do gave us this disorder.  Those that caused the trauma did.  We need that knowledge in our heart and mind.

The external world judges us when we are not as capable as they think we should be, but there is some part of us that buys into the fact that we have done this to ourselves and totally strips us of any of the protection we should have.

Would you judge someone harshly who stumbles on crutches after a car accident?  We tend to take on some culpability for our own condition as if we had been the driver but if you have DID you were not driving!  You were a small child and no part of you is guilty for you having this disorder.

It’s our internal score keeper that needs  re-educated so that our system has something to fight back with when the outside world condemns us.  My heart breaks that Sara didn’t have that protection.  We all need it.

If you are young and have DID please try to realize that it gets so much better with time.   Surround yourself with a positive support system and give yourself that time.   It does get better.   Just like a stroke victim you will heal and can retrain your brain to function in ways that make you more capable, and that make this life more livable.

Sara, I hope you now have the peace, love and understanding that you were denied in this life.   Thank you for sharing yourself with us.





Please forgive me …

28 12 2012
for not being able to share the happy moments we had over the holidays.  There are some moments when we are able to laugh but I have sat here for 2 days now trying to share Christmas dinner with you and just can’t.  I only feel the sadness and just don’t have it in me to be able to pull anything else up right now.
Valerie hasn’t eaten anything in 5 full days now and has radically reduced the amount that she drinks and smokes as well.  Her body is shutting down.  For my Dad and Bunny it was about 3 weeks from the time they stopped eating till they died.  For both the last few days were in a coma state.
I managed to get her to her Dr appointment yesterday and they gave her fluids and steroids to boost her up.  She has another appointment for Monday but the way he shook his head I could see he doesn’t feel we should be doing this … he thinks we should just let her go.  Bob was totally freaking out when it looked like she wasn’t going to the Dr.   I feel judged by him but we are not ready!
The Doctor wants her on Hospice but Val refuses hospice services.  She says she still wants to fight this, but when we try to push her to do what she needs to to stay alive, she swears that she just can’t.  I feel stuck unable to feel or function really.  No tears or crying just nothing.
Part of me is shutting down too because if I feel anything its angry.  She wants me here but I no longer feel that I am able to do anything to help her anymore.  She doesn’t want me getting up with her,  She says it’s not good for me not to sleep through out the night.  I cook and she says nothing tastes right.  I am throwing out her tea and refreshing only to have her barely sip when she gets it.   I will drive anywhere to get her anything that she wants and she doesn’t eat or drink it when she gets it.

We are all sleeping a lot.   She didn’t want to die and ruin the holidays.  She has no obtainable goals left.  This isn’t going to be an easy Month.

“She wants me here but I no longer feel that I am able to do anything to help her anymore”.   Wow… that was a light bulb moment …I need to actively do things to feel useful but what she needs is just me…not anything but the emotional support of loving her and being here.
She just wants me to hold her hand and be here and really that is the hardest job of all.
It is incredible to me how just the act of writing helps.  The second I got that I realized that I don’t feel helpless or angry anymore. To love, is to be happy with.  Love is the only thing that really does help.  I hate it when I forget that and react to my own insecurities and hurt feelings.
So today we start again and just hope to get it right.




Just a little something light…

26 12 2012

My Brother asks…”whatcha eating?”  “A cookie”.  “Why don’t you have some of that cake that’s in there?” eeee… I don’t know, I just want a little something light”.  Yea I just looked down and realized that the bag was empty!  These were double stuff Oreo’s.  Somehow I just one mored myself through 22 cookies!  I could have eaten the whole cake and had less sugar!





Showing off my Christmas Joy…

23 12 2012

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My Grandchildren, Tristan, Janna and the ugly doll I made for her years ago.





Ready or not!

23 12 2012

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Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  I make gifts so anything that I am giving will be done by tonight. One Christmas when the kids were small I wrapped some unfinished Crocheted slippers and finished them after everyone opened their gifts.  I am always happy when it’s done because without that final flag I would never feel it was enough.   I would be working late into the night thinking of just one more person I HAD to do for and I always work down to the last second as it is.

Why do I insist on handmade gifts?  Year after year my Granddaughter got my crazy hats.  She is 10 now and too old for such things.  Last year I didn’t make her gift and she asked me why.  “You always seemed to hate the things I made Janna.”  “I didn’t always like the things the things you made, but I always loved the fact you made them just for me.”  So I am back to making things again…but no more hats.  Now I do ornaments and hope by the time she is grown she will leave home with a collection of them to hang every year and remember how I made them each for her.  Merry Christmas Everyone.





You should listen to your Mother.

11 12 2012

Years ago, my mother started me walking with her so that I could lose weight, and I did, but that’s really not what stuck with me.  It was this one thing she said as we were walking that still sticks with me 25 years later.

Up until that day I was a barefoot girl.  Mom said, “put some shoes on” and I said “I have really tough soles on my feet, I can walk without them”, and she let me.  I didn’t know that us walking 5 miles was any different from when I just doddled around town, but she did.

“You should take a coat”…”I never need one”.  I never spent days on the Oregon coast, but she did.

“You shouldn’t marry that man”…”He is more wonderful than you know”…and more trouble than I knew, but she did.

Each time I  hear the words she said as we were ending that walk; although she never again repeated,  “You should listen to your Mother.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You should take your fiber.”  For years I have resisted…I mean have you tasted that stuff? blek!

I am also over 50 and realizing that the confounded woman is always right, have invested in a daily fiber beverage.  I swear for all time now I will write down every word she says and live it like my bible.  She may have been right before…but this has forced my total conversion.

If you don’t care for bathroom talk…don’t read any further.  I can’t hold myself back from my exclamation that this one thing alone I should have at least adhered to!

Just want to dance when I think of all the savings in toilet paper alone!

For years I have resented having to go.  I will avoid it for days because I just don’t want to spend all that time.  Sheet after sheet of toilet paper and no matter how much I wiped I never felt clean enough.

This stuff is a miracle!  It’s almost as good as if she had invented it herself! Fiber doesn’t just clean you out … It leaves you clean!

Oh Mamma,  I love ya!





Blessed Sunday…

2 12 2012

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All last week I intended to stop and pick a handful of purple wildflowers from the lot on the corner.  I didn’t because Wildflowers are very delicate.    Unlike Roses they don’t linger for days after being picked and can’t be grafted and live.  You have to enjoy them where they are.  Yesterday I drove by and someone had mowed the whole lot and there wasn’t a flower in sight.   Then as I was pulling in the driveway this morning I noticed one live thing in the dead leaves of our yard.  God had sent us some of our own.

My heart was so happy at the sight of them.  One moment of thanks and on with my day.

 

 





My Mother…

28 11 2012

gave me my first vibrator for Christmas in ’87. I was 29, had left my husband, and my 3 children and I were living with her. It embarrassed the hell out of me and I lost it long before I found it useful.  I was living with her again when I was 45. By then my kids were grown, her husband had died and we were gaining an awareness that at some point in the future we would also pass and that someone would be going through all our belongings.

We were talking about the fact that I would be embarrassed to think that my children might find my vibrator in my personal possessions and that I should at least get one that could pass for being used for something else. We both recognized that they were smart enough to see past that, but I still felt that it was better than leaving one behind that was so obvious.

There is some chemistry between my mother and I that tweaks our sense of humor. One of us suggested that one was embarrassing but more than 10 were not. Instead of getting rid of the one I had all I needed was get a lot more of them and stick them everywhere!

That sent us off on a roll where we were thinking of places to stash them. I could put one in the cookie jar, the silverware drawer, the refrigerator, roll one up in the window shade, or slip one between the speaker and the computer screen. Then we realized that Moms movie collection had boxes about the same size as my vibrator box.

She suggested covering the boxes with our own covers and naming them after movies that fit the object inside, like “What about B.O.B.?” (B.O.B. meaning Battery Operated Boyfriend), “What Women Want”, “As Good As It Gets”, “Batteries Not Included”, “Electric Dreams”, and “While You were Sleeping”. For a week, every time we saw each other we were rolling on the floor laughing over the latest titles we thought of to put on the boxes.

We both spent another day laughing while co-writing a book called Playing the Bass for beginners. It was a book that taught you how to play a Bass fish complete with illustrations that showed how to screw in the guitar strap pegs into the head and tail of the fish so that you could hold it while you played with the advice to “just do it! The fish is dead already and you can’t play the damn thing without a strap!” It also warned the musician not to get a fish with a mouth smaller than 4” or they would be limited to playing “Tip Toe through the Tulips” and other Tiny Tim tunes.

She always said that it was a good thing that there was an ocean on both sides of this continent so I had something to bounce off of.  I live 3000 miles away again and with her Birthday coming up find myself thinking of her and missing her perhaps a bit more than usual.  If your reading this believe me when I say I realize how rare and wonderful you are Mom.   Hope I find myself on your doorstep again someday sharing more laughs and adventures.

with love,

sincerely, SB

 





Imitation of life…

26 11 2012

The movie was on this week and is one of Val’s favorites.  We watched it together.  It’s about a Black girl who looks white and hates the way people treat her because of her race enough to leave her Mother and everyone she loves behind and try to live life as a white girl.

I am guilty of this as well.

I realized how public this forum was and went about cropping anything from it that might point to the fact that I am mentally ill.  I want to be “NORMAL”.  This is one of those rare times in my life that I actually think I could pass and people wouldn’t suspect that I am anything but who I represent myself to be.

There is an extreme bias against the mentally ill.  I have seen their fear when they looked at me and felt sick inside.  They had no way of knowing what it took for me to even be in public and how much more afraid of them I was, then they ever could be of me.

I have felt so good lately. That peace has had me wanting to let go of everything that hasn’t contributed to it.  I want more than anything to exist every day within the same stress as everyone else without fear of losing control of who I am and how I present to others.

I am guilty of deleting anything that makes me look less than normal.  Having DID seems too conspicuous and I am uncomfortable openly living with it.

So uncomfortable that I deleted a whole blog that was meant to help others understand DID better and see it for what I truly feel it is, a developmentally based normal reaction to repeated trauma.  Like the lead character in the in Imitation of life, I eventually became ashamed of the fact that I tried to hide who I am.

This is the time of year for giving Thanks and I have so much to be Thankful for.  My apologies are being left here with my gratitude for these months of peace.   Till we meet again…sincerely SB.





Phantom memories…

13 11 2012

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Thank You family for teaching me what it’s like to realize that bad shit happen’s but Life is still really Good! 





Birthdays and other observations…

11 11 2012

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Somewhere in between Halloween and Thanksgiving is my Birthday so when the season arrives to tell us were wrapping up another year, I wrap up another one of mine.

When this year started we thought my sister-in-law was in her last days and the fact that she has been blessed with another year has defiantly effected my perception of my own as I am the recipient of her good humor and strength, but with so much grief and stress going on in the lives of those I love, I find it hard to consider this a “GOOD YEAR”.

It’s funny but as often as I return here with the feeling that I’m coming home, part of me always feels my home is there with them.  If home is where your heart is, then my home is 6,000 miles wide and has to include Hawaii and both coasts because there is at least a half a dozen places that I feel needed and very much want to be.

I just ran an errand and when I was coming back passed a young girl on a horse, and several kids on their bicycles and realized that I was smiling and felt safe coming home here.  There were a lot of years that I couldn’t say that.  I used to laugh and say we were so po that we couldn’t afford the “re”…meaning of course the kind of poor that wasn’t just broke but illiterate as well.  I have come a long way, even just this year, from being that person.

My life now is so much different then I ever imagined it could be.   For most of my early life and into adulthood we lived in places where I couldn’t escape fear and that has a lot to do with the kind of person you become.  I have spent a lot of years distancing myself from that life.

I feel good about that struggle.  It is one that was hard-fought not just for myself but for my children as well.  Everyone of them is an adult and living in a far better place then we spent their early years.  They don’t live in that fear anymore, but every one of them is living with challenges and pain and their lives are stressful.

With a world that big, there will be sadness going on every day somewhere in it, so just how do you decide if your life is good?  You have to make that circle smaller.

If my assessment of this year stays small enough to reflect only my own growth, it’s been a very good year.  I feel strong and capable and happy with who I am.  In this way every year just gets better and better, and with Gods blessing, I find myself looking forward to a few more.





Going with the flow…

29 08 2012

I woke up yesterday hours before anyone and I got on the computer and wrote a bit.  Then my sweet nieces took me to breakfast and to the plane.  It was 2 hours early so I checked my bags, went upstairs and sat in a rocker and finished my coffee, ‘people watching’ by the gate to the security check point.  I still had my Gatorade bottle full and needed to consume that before going through the check point so I was glad to have some time yet before my flight.

Family’s, lovers, and friends all parting there at the gate, while parts flew off to places they wouldn’t be.  I sat thinking of what a luxury in this life that I had been blessed with.  This time to just sit and think and watch life go by.  Time without demands or worry’s.  The world far removed in those moments where I am not a part of anything.

If I don’t exist FOR someone else, do I still exist?  Before I came here I was so uncomfortable alone that I HAD to have someone else in my life to feel like I did.  Who is this person who seems to enjoy the not being?

I used the restroom and discovered that I started my period and I had just checked my bags.  No access to my just in case packs, no machine in the bathroom for replacement pads, no fresh clean underwear.  Just a roll of toilet paper and enough experience to know just how often it needed replaced.  Back to what I was doing.  Just enjoying the day.

Gatorade gone and I went though the check point with a smile and over to where I could refill my bottle with water.  Then to my terminal.  Plane arrived right on time I got a seat by the window and two lovely lady’s my age took the seats next to me and both pulled out a paperback and I took out my blanket and pillow and slept.

Plane switch went equally smooth.  Took the first available isle seat and settled in for my nap next to a young couple who were very much into each other.  Good, no need to chat there either.

Disembarked unnoticed, and walked to  the baggage area where a sign said it could be 30 minutes for bags to appear.  They had some beautiful art on display and while everyone else milled about the area fretting I was the only one who seemed to take note of it.  For that few moments I was wrapped in the silence of a gallery and art that left my curiosity peaked and my mind racing with possibilities.

The bags started down the conveyor and by the time I noticed, my own bag was alone coming around a second time.  No one was around when I stooped to pick it up and make my way to the ladies room.  Tossed the undies and put on a fresh pair with protection and was off again.  Just as I made it comfortably out the door my bus pulled up in front of me to take me to the flyaway station where I would be picked up.

3 hours of beading and my butterfly took flight on the zipper pull of my bag… 10 minutes of frame sketching later Stephanie was there smiling in the doorway, ready to take me home with her for a shower and chat and then to see her kids again for the first time in 19 years..

Off to dinner with Kane and her friend.  We had wonderful Mexican food in a little divvy place that served Mexican the way I remember it, real shredded meat,  and served with mildly seasoned rice and beans covered over in cheese. YUM.

Then snuggled in on the most comfy cuddle up couch invented to sleep until 5 am this morning to awaken with a start at feeling myself flow.  Nothing harmed.  Back to enjoying my trip.  No firm plans for how it will go.  So far it is just moving me along at its own pace and I am just going with it, undisturbed.





Fly away home…

28 08 2012

Plane leaves in 4 hours…we are on count down time.  I have already had the “I left my glasses” panic over… and the how am I getting picked up from the Airport plans changed twice… The sticky, I don’t want to have to do this goodbyes are done.

I should be really excited now.  I will be seeing lots of friends and a boyfriend and my children and yet all I can think of is my kitty.  I am so worried about her.  Pets really do depend on you and how do you know they are getting loved and cared for.  Your kids learn to look after themselves but pets never do.  They always need you.

I have so much love in my heart for those who took on the responsibility for her all these Months so I could do what I needed to do for the people in my life.  I have said it but I am sure they couldn’t know how heart-felt it is.

I told her that I would be back and I am coming back for her.  My heart hurts that I could have left the way I did.  I was a farm girl;  Everything earns its way, everything works, and everything leaves.

I was also a foster-child.  If your human and in my life, you know that I know how not to get attached.   There are people who have touched my heart as well but I just don’t dwell on that.  There is a part of me sectioned off that they can’t touch that allows me to leave.

I thought it applied to her too but there was not a second that the loss of her in my life hasn’t weighed heavy on my heart…no human has ever touched me that way.  I leave them all the time and expect that we will cross paths again or we won’t but I needed her back in my life.

I won’t be leaving again without her… we are a pair now.  Till Gubette I never had an animal I ever loved.  It feels foreign to me, but the truth of it will never leave my awareness again. Animals were responsibility’s, they were never pets.

Gubette is more.  She is my companion, my friend, and my heart and forever more “home”, is only where she is.





Charity work…

16 08 2012

Day after day with St Vincent De Paul we had 2 jobs, the first to figure out ways to raise funds to help the poor.  I had no problem with how we raised funds.  I was glad to put in time at the thrift store, co-ordinate picking up stuff that was donated, donating whatever I could, working bake sales, and helping to cook and clean up at the once a week meals for the poor.

It was the other end I couldn’t deal with.  I was working hand in hand with a bunch of people who had NEVER been poor.  Their only way of dealing with people’s problems was to throw money at it and when we ran out of money, turn people away!

I bit my tongue until it bled every time someone else had the phone!   “Man I had a rough call yesterday, this poor girl called and needed $300.00 for an airline ticket to L.A. because her mother just died and she needed to get there to take care of the arrangements.  I hated to tell her we couldn’t help her.”

WHAT??!!!  Why couldn’t we help her?  Well we have a limit on what we can give each person, it’s $65. You give me 30 minutes and a phone and I would have gotten her there!

I would have called everyone on the list and asked them if they knew anyone who had frequent flyer miles enough to cash in for a ticket to L.A. and if that didn’t work I would have found her 6 verifiable rides on Craigslist that would have taken that $65 and gotten her to L.A., but I never told her that.

She had always lived a blessed life.  She had a wonderful husband who supported them well, two kids in school and worked part time.  She could easily be out sipping coffee with friends rather than spending her time trying to help people that didn’t have what she had.

When we handed out checks we went in pairs.  I guess so there was no question where the money went among other things.  I went with her to take a check to an 88 year old woman with a part time job and a $500 a month winter electric bill.

This woman still had to go to every other charity in town to get the limit of what they would give her to make up the difference and each and every one of them required a personal visit and her signing some piece of paper saying she got that check.  What kind of dignity do you get from that?

Real help would have been to sit down with her and figure out why that bill was so high and help her to remedy that.  Real help would have been to find a contractor or someone who knew something about making her small home energy efficient so she didn’t have those huge bills and making those $65 a month payments that we were giving to her, directly to him for doing it.

No I couldn’t be that person.  I wasn’t the one who would stand up and tell these people who had kept this charity running all these years how to run it when I was the newbie in the door.

I was the one who quit, because quitting is what I do. I get worn down by life to the point I can no longer do it and fold in like an aluminum can.  At some point I can no longer function without unloading what weighs me down and I quit.

My own life is hard enough to manage.  I have never been more than centimeters above the struggle to just exist, how can I tell anyone anything.





Dating and other suicidal tenancies…

15 08 2012

Have you ever computer dated?  You write a witty ad.  Put up a pic and wait for someone to show interest and see where that goes.  This is the equivalent of cutting behavior, without the fear that anyone will see the scars!

By sheer numbers alone it should make it easier to find someone to be with.  And for me it worked pretty well twice.  If you count answering someone else’s ad, three times but while I have met and shared really wonderful times with wonderful people … I really haven’t found what I’m looking for and now I am back to not looking.

I have a good life.  Real friends, close family, and more than enough going on to never get bored.  That should be enough.  Well that and my Battery operated boyfriend, which by the way I was too chicken shit to take on the plane and left in California!

It was for that reason I went on a ‘meet and greet’ yesterday, if you can call it that.  I would like to explain GREET: Give a polite word or sign of welcome or recognition to (someone) on meeting.

He had been insisting on meeting me and asked me to meet him for just one kiss while I was out, and I requested the meet and greet at Mc Donald’s instead.  I asked him to think about letting some sexual tension build between us first as it might change the outcome of that kiss.

When he first made that request I freaked and deleted my OKCupid account.  I realized instantly that while I am lonely, I am just not ready to meet someone.  Since I had started this by opening the account and inviting the exchange I felt the need to follow it through.

In one way it made sense.  Really!  I spent months in a relationship with someone thinking we were really compatible, but while I liked them immensely it just didn’t work out between us.   I really did wonder if love was just a chemical reaction and either we have it with someone or we don’t?

I have felt it when I first met someone but I don’t have enough experience to know if it’s something that will also come with time.   Why not let a kiss be the answer?  Why waste the time when we’re really not getting any younger?  Maybe it is as good a way as any to start a relationship.

When I got there I saw only young kids in the front of the restaurant so I bought my soda and walked around to the back and he waved from across the room … didn’t stand … looked disappointed … stared at his watch… asked when I had to leave.   I said an hour and a half and he looked at his watch again then and said “I have to take the truck back to my friend pretty soon”.

At this I couldn’t help but smile up at him with my biggest smile like I just didn’t get the clue.  We both sat there across the table from each other in awkward silence where part of me was reluctant to let him off the hook till I tired of torturing him, made an excuse to leave the restaurant with a ‘will call you’ and drove off.

I want to know how guys can instantly decide in that 16th of a second that you are not worth their time, like it is all on the line the moment you meet. I have met guys that said they were 5’10” and showed up 2″ shorter than my 5’7″ and still gave them the courtesy of looking for some kind of connection.

He was not the first to do so but he was by far the rudest.  I am not used to being treated like that, but I am grateful.  This site keeps calling to me like that shiny piece of glass used to when I was young.  I don’t know why I feel the need to do it, but again I feel that pain and know it was just what I needed at the time.

Thank you, It was very nice meeting you Mike.  Hopefully I won’t need to do that again for a while.





Struggling to be one

13 08 2012

I have spent a life time trying to manage this disorder by making myself struggle to BE one uniform single-minded human being.  I thought once I went through the process to be integrated life would be simple and I would feel whole and healthy.

Well more like paranoid and confused.   I don’t know what I want.  To be the singleton I am muting and diluting the things that made me passionate and live on the edge and today it feels just too damn good to be out there.

It’s early and yet I have switched several times this morning already.  I am full of ideas and my mind is creative and active.   There are many here who have found ways to organize their lives and co-ordinate things around their others.  They have found ways to co-operate and take advantage of what is curse when you’re too young to be able to do that.

Being this age and maturity level is a huge benefit even if some of my parts never got this far.  We still benefit from the ability to share who we are with the others… to step in and out of one skin then the other and not lose the memory of what they experienced.

This vibrating string that I am seeing since I arrived makes me aware that it isn’t too late to tap into the gifts they each had and bring them to their fullest potential.  I want to flush them out and allow them to become fully personalized.

One of the bloggers that I follow has their system mapped out and named but I have family that freaks and try’s to get me on drugs when they see me being what they feel is off from NORMAL behavior.

I can’t blame them really.  The repeated hospitalization’s and unwanted drama more than they can cope with.   I too have been scared by this.  It’s almost creepy sometimes feeling like the skin you’re in doesn’t belong to you.

The first time I can remember being HIM, I could see myself.  I was thin and actually had the anatomy that fit who I WAS, a teen age boy.  I reached out and touched it with some part of me aware that that shouldn’t have been possible.  Weird effect on my brain, that being inside and outside.  The I that knows THIS body flipped that I experienced HIM so personally.

I can’t experience HIM that way anymore.  Something in my brain freaks out by the weirdness of knowing that body and mine don’t match…and now he just appears in my head.  Still, sometimes I wish…  I mean DANG that was intense!

Only someone on the outside of this disorder can believe that it’s acting or just a bid for attention.  After it’s over you can doubt the reality of it … but in the moment … the WHO you are then, is as real or more real than the one you know.

I can be bigger then life, or I can temper them all and be normal.  I feel blessed to have a choice, but also exhausted by the idea that I can wake up tomorrow or even seconds from now and remake it in another way and we are all stuck in that moment with what ever who is out decides.

The I’s in me have their own idea’s about how I should live my life and only another multiple could possibly understand how frustrating and disabling that can be.  Right now we are consuming others blogs like a starved man consumes a sparse meal trying to glean any information that would help us to function better.





Home…

12 08 2012

According to the dictionary “home” is a place of residence or refuge.  When we got out of the hospital and came back here, to this house that belongs to my brother and his wife … this felt like coming home.  For me “Home” has no physical location, instead, home is an emotional state of comfort.  Very little here belongs to me and yet I feel welcome and wrapped in love.  For me THAT is home.

Years ago I traveled with the Rainbows.  We would drive for hours past the Highways and paved roads to get to the secluded places they chose to camp; the trails often littered with cars that couldn’t survive the hard terrain, only to arrive and truly feel that I was home.  When you came into camp there were always people waiting to welcome you with hugs, food and hand made gifts, who truly seemed to want you there.  I liked taking shifts of cooking and welcoming people so that everyone was blessed with that feeling.

Many times in my past places that sheltered me and my belongings that should have been home were scary and threatening.  They provided no comfort.  I shared them with people that I couldn’t count on.  At times I felt so uncomfortable being alone that just being safe wasn’t enough to make where I stayed my home, even after years of living there.

I have moved a lot in my life and that feeling of being home was very rare when I was younger.  My experience was one of not being wanted, loved, or safe, almost everywhere I went.  If I came close to it, others in control moved me and snatched it away, almost as soon as I realized I could feel it.  

When I grew up and had the ability to choose for myself I settled for what I was used to and when it wasn’t there went about recreating it.  I don’t understand why I would choose to do that; only that I did.

I am very blessed that there were those that did make me feel wanted and for a time I did experience this feeling and what it felt like gave me something to aim for and I am getting better at recreating it in my life. 

I am getting to know so many people on here that WordPress has also become my home.  Your presents in my life has enhanced and blessed me in ways I couldn’t imagine when I signed up just a month ago.  Thank you for making this too my home.





My latest addiction…

1 08 2012

ImageSpent a long weekend with my nieces.  I so needed to do that.  Part of why I am depressed is that I can’t be with my children and Grandchildren.  When I left I thought I would be back in 2 weeks.  I want to be here but I have never been away from my Daughter for more than a few weeks in her whole life.  She is my better half!

The girls are so good to me.  Tiff took me to Hobby Lobby for beading supplies, loaned me some tools and taught me to wire wrap.  I spent the whole 4 days working on my projects.  I am so pleased with the results.  I really needed this!  I canceled my appointment for Monday and did this instead and think it is better than any pill on the planet!

I can’t always write and while I love it and need it, except for rare occasions when I have felt more like a wordsmith then a writer, it doesn’t make me feel like this.  When I paint I feel like this.  I need to get home and get my things.  I left behind my Grandmothers easel and paintbrushes.  So many canvases left unfinished and in my mind these things call to me like old friends.

Some days it’s hard for me to gather 2 thoughts and I need to be productive in order to be happy.  Not having a job anymore makes it harder because housework, even though it needs done, is so perpetual as to feel like there is nothing to show for all you do.  If you wash up all the dishes, 20 minutes later they need done again!  This I have to keep and it is truly beautiful.

I am so blessed to be wrapped in the loving arms of this family.

My Brother and I only had each other.  We had no idea what a real family was and when I look at the family’s that we have built I am proud as hell.  We have raised good humans.  They are kind, loving, and very invested in keeping this structure that we call family a strong supportive place to be.  It’s very good to be a part of it.

When I really think about it, my latest addiction, is my family.  I need them like I need to breathe, and thankfully they are here for me in ways I never imagined they would be.

Now I need to get back to work…





Unmedicated unstructured life…

26 07 2012

Normally I am up at 7.  My usual self is most productive in the early morning and able to accomplish much when I jump right in and do it.  Showering is always easiest when I first jump out of bed and I can have a full days work done before noon, before any meals or even coffee when I just get to it.  No one here is on that type of schedule.

Till this last week I was still up by 7 but would be as quiet as possible till others are awake and moving around.  Now I sleep till noon and if I am up before that it’s for 20 minutes or so and then exhausted I head back to bed.  I barely function.  It is 9 pm and I have been awake only a few hours all day and its been only for an hour or so at a time.

I made an appointment at CNS healthcare for Monday.  I need help.  This isn’t getting better and without medication I am barely functioning.  I have yet to make a single phone call to my family.  I have a very nice list though.  Don’t know why it is so hard to just do it.  Several of them really need me to reach out to them and I just can’t right now.  I am just a waste of space and air and resources.

(Insert sound effect of needle being drug over a record here.  Does anyone on here even remember what it sounded like if you didn’t pick the needle up all the way when you removed your records?)

6:48am I slept all night.  I went to bed at 8:43 thinking I will get up again in 2 hours and try to write and slept all night!  I hadn’t gotten the trash out so I had to jump right in and get that done…then I turned on the dryer and cleared the kitchen table.  I did a sink load of dishes and then folded and put away the clothes that were washed 3 days ago.

By the time I got back to the dishes barely a half hour after I started and things were so much more open and less cluttered.  I actually feel better.  Much better.  Now for those phone calls…





They say that Valium are very addicting

24 07 2012

and before the fog lifted upon waking the first thought is that I need one so today I decide it is time to stop.  No more “mothers little helpers”.   Instead I reach for the Hersey’s and take a long swig straight from the bottle.  Liquid happy, but very short lived.

The tired weighs down on me.  It becomes hard to function for long.  I am stirring pots of angry with people I come in contact with and these are just deeper and deeper messes that I will have to clean up later.  Sleep beacons and again and again throughout the day; I gratefully except.

I helped dye my nieces hair and in the process combed a few streaks through my own, then got on the computer.  I read and wrote for a few hours, slept for a bit till the words came and I had to return to the keyboard; it’s dryed on my hair.  I should wash it out.  The next time I wake up I will;  It’s easier to jump into the shower when I first awaken.

I fear checking my mail as I have waited and waited for someone to write and the longer its gone on the more demanding I have gotten.  Yea that works… NOT!   Think I will try another swig of Hersey’s and go back to bed now.





Cage me…I am whacked today!!!

24 07 2012

Someone posted that they thought they would be more comfortable if the mentally ill could be forced into mental hospitals and locked away where no one had to see them.  It’s all that I can do to keep from posting on HER site that the world be a more beautiful place if we could take everyone that made us uncomfortable and lock them all away!

Yes, do lock up all those with a disability!  Better yet lets add those with diseases that make them not pretty, the ones with pock-marked skin, or those who can’t control their limbs, and how about the fat ones!!!  By the way, we already shame all of them into hiding in their homes by not treating them like human beings!!!

Why not just stare at him with disgust when you see him and talk about him to others so that he can hear and be hurt by what you say; that is much cheaper on society as a whole!   I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment and I can tell you it is extremely effective.  Just make it more obvious that your elitist club isn’t for HIS kind, that it is for those that are Better off then him… that don’t need the HELP that you offer as bad.  Those that wouldn’t need half the understanding or resources, because you just can’t help HIS kind.

THIS is personal and she didn’t mean it personally.  I too have wandered the streets dirty and mumbling to myself.  I have been so out of it that the fear she speaks of the neighbors having of him was meant for me as well.  People are afraid of the mentally ill and every time it comes up in the media they play on that fear!  It sickens me and I take that very fucking personally!

It scares me because I know that when I seem to take every thing in the worst possible way, there is something different in my thinking.  I begin to want to scream at everyone that I come in contact with!   I only see wrong wrong wrong!!!   This is hard emotionally and harder because I know this means I am going to need medication if I don’t get past it soon.

I seem to spiral downward the longer I am in this space.  At this point I seem in it and out of it at the same time.  I don’t know if that makes any sense at all really but I am still able to see my thinking as irrational.

I had to stop answering letters and posts because I can be hurtful from this space.  I’m angry and the world is wrong and I too am scared!





In memory of…

23 07 2012

When we got married, Mom stocked our house with things that Bob had collected over the years. When he went “canning” he had often brought back treasures he had found that were too good to throw away. She washed them all up and stored them a way for a day when he would move out on his own and need them.

At 41 he finally did. She was beyond supportive and loving. She was the Mom I measure myself against and I am afraid I will always come up short.

She raised a man who did more with the 85 IQ points God gave him then most of the men I know with far more.  He thought that he had value and worth and was as competent as deserving of the good things that life offered as any born on this planet.  She always put HER children first in her life, right up to the end and sacrificed her own happiness for theirs gladly.

I was blessed for a time to share my life with hers. We all moved on before she did, but now she has.   The last few times I visited it seemed like it took a very long time before she acknowledged my presents.

It was like she was deep inside herself and it took a lot of effort to come out and speak with me.  She raised 6 wonderful children, Cindy, Sue, Debby, Carol, Billy and my husband Bob. I am sure that where ever she was she was enjoying all the best of the times they had together.

She was sweet, nurturing, and unselfish. The best qualities a Mom can have and the world is better for the gift of her in it.





This space was supposed to be funny!

23 07 2012

When I started this blog space my sister-in-law was dealing well with her cancer.  Our needs were met.  Everyone I knew was basically doing as good as ever and my mental space was the best it’s ever been.  I wanted to have a place to share that joy of living that was spilling over.  This woman is laugh out loud funny.  I wanted to capture that.   Share it with others.

Where we are now sucks!   Don’t you think when you have a really hard thing going on that God ought to clear your plate of all the trivial crap, and just let you deal with that?  Why does it seem to RAIN SHIT!  We try like hell to screen what we let in but it’s a full-out battle.

I have had to put my focus on other things just to keep the discipline of writing.  I don’t want a diary of this.  I don’t want to live it the first time!

People that we love are dying and for me that is a natural process but the way they have left us, has left us with guilt that makes the grief hard to bear, or even claim.  So what you’re getting now is me on here everyday, no matter what; trying to post something…anything, just for the discipline of doing it.  Yesterday all I could do was read others posts and stare at the screen.

Several times during the day, I felt so weighed down that I went back to bed; but I kept coming back here and still I wrote nothing.  Not one word.  I am so full of grief that I can feel myself shutting down.  I have been here before.  I know how to work it through.  I can’t just let it happen this time.   It’s not the grief that’s doing this.  It’s the guilt.  I have opened up that file and the emotions are overwhelming me.

So I pick it apart.  I have been so involved in the day-to-day of living that I have neglected the needs of those I love.  This weighs heavy on my heart.  I tend to keep in touch with those on Facebook and to neglect everyone else as if this is the extent of my reach.  I only do what it easy.   Normally I would show up at their door or make family time.  Now they are so many miles away and it’s no longer possible to do that.

Years ago they invented a phone so that people could keep in touch with the one’s they love.  I have a strong aversion to using it.  I hate it ringing, interrupting what ever I am doing, for what is often only aggravation.  I don’t want to call out either.   Years of expectation that I should call and keep in touch with the ones I love, that I need to be the one to do so has made it a chore that I resist doing.

So today I make a list of calls to make.  To keep this from being a problem again in the future I make up a calendar with an appointment schedule for calling those that I love.   When the calls are done I will again see how I feel and if it’s not enough look for something else that will take the guilt off my table.

I think also that I need to spend some time praying for their needs to be met.  I am not religious but I do believe in the power of prayer.  The tool of prayer makes me feel less helpless in the face of all the things that I can’t control.  It is easy for me to give Thanks.  I often find myself doing that; so much harder to ask for anything, even when it’s for someone I love.  Practice;  I will do it because I need the practice, until it gets easy and natural for me to do.

Then I can return to trying to pick out the roses, and sharing the beauty I see.





Thank you Ariel Gore…

21 07 2012

Because of you today I branded myself.  “She spent her life not able to hang on to anything until the day she got it all!”

It kind of gives me something to hang on to that looks a little like hope, or promise of some kind of future different then the life I have known.  One where I won’t push everyone I love away feeling like I’m poison.  A future where I don’t need to sleep on the floor or to discard everything I love to make sure that I never get comfortable, never trust.

If you have read any of my other posts you know I am 3000 miles from my kids, cat computer, lover, paintings and the few possessions that I had managed to hang on to over the years.

I never seem to keep more then what will fit in a mid-sized car, and it alarms me now to count how many times I have found myself exactly where I am with nothing but a few clothes and a toothbrush over a thousand miles from anything that meant home to me.

I think, “well things don’t really mean anything to me” but that would mean I wouldn’t miss them and for the most part I don’t … but parts of me do, and they bleed for paintings that they can’t ever finish.  Or the book that took them years to write, that is lost.  The cat that was the only animal in 50 years that I have ever had that I attached to.  The grandchild that month after month calls someone else Grandma and has forgotten that I exist.  The stuffed animal my daughter had given me, that my step daughter hugged in my favorite picture of her just before the state stepped in to take her away.

(It was the death of my second marriage that my husband signed his rights away; as I too grew up in foster care.)

I know what it is, to know as a small child that you owe a debt to people who abuse you, “for the food in your mouth and the shoes on your feet”.  I knew that anything could be taken from me without warning or even a nod to the fact that I might have a need or want that it should be different; as an Adult I do it to myself, again and again.

“Velcro not strings” is the handle I chose because I have spent probably too much time on dating sites and there are so many ads for relationships with no strings attached.  At times I think that is the Only type of relationship I should be in.  I get that it is hard for people to deal with all the changes with me, but the one that I want is that heart to heart forever love that’s unbreakable and endures beyond the simple trappings of the life we share here.

I am in a funny sort of long distance, on again off again, relationship with someone and as with every relationship I have ever been in I keep hoping that it’s the last relationship I will have.  That this will be my “till death do us part”.  I feel for him though.  

This isn’t the first time I am made aware that to be in my life is to be damaged by me.  Not because I am abusive or intentionally harm others but because the changeable nature of who I am makes it impossible to depend on me.  I make plans for the future and forget them when in their mind those plans were solid and real.  I start things that never get finished.  Treat you like your gold one day and like I don’t know who you are the next.

In spite of all these things, to my total dismay that lover/boyfriend refuses to let me go, my family embraces me like I am precious to them, my grandchildren call in the middle of the night to say how much they miss me, and my friends have always stayed true friends to me.  They all tolerate my coming and going, intensity and abandonment over and over again and still have kind things to say to me.  They put out a welcome mat and still wish me to darken their doorway.

My dream is of a day: when I will have a place to really call my home; a huge communal space filled with children, art and music and vibrant with activity, containing everyone I love who wishes to be there; when with or without a marriage license I will find that love that want’s my energy and their’s to vibrate as one for all time and eternity; and when I won’t use strings to bind me to all that I love, but crazy glue!





I was thinking that we would do better.

17 07 2012

By now everyone has seen what Mc Donalds believes your low-income wage should be able to cover.  They want you to maintain 2 jobs, find health insurance for only $20 a month (Wait!!! I had horrible insurance that paid nothing and still cost us over $200), and not pay for heat!

To keep things simple they didn’t break down a lot of items.  After all when you have to buy all your personal items, keep your clothing clean, maintain and fuel your car and eat for less than $30.  a day, it looks pretty bad to knock off that first $10 for fuel alone.  Oh and I forgot to mention that this is only after you get your second job!

The fact that so many employers don’t want to pay a full living wage isn’t the whole picture.  People who are in a position to debate these things don’t even start to address the ways that low-income people are kept in their place.

How about the pressure to do way more than possible in the time allowed so that you’re “voluntarily” working off the clock to get it all done.  You will if you want to keep the job, because employers know that there are at least two dozen people standing in line for it if you don’t.

How about the fact that they keep changing your days and hours every week and then only give you schedules two days in advance.  That way they keep you from being able to find second jobs that would work anywhere close to your normal waking work hours.

Then if you choose that second job, besides working over 60 hours a week, your hours are spread so that you are lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night to maintain it!  It’s ok you will get a nap in your car right after you drive though Wendy’s and eat off their dollar menu.

Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa.   Aren’t the majority of us sick of hearing about the few people stupid enough and lazy enough not to get a “decent” job?

Rusty Harris@Chad Hill  got 36 likes for his comment…” Why should I “share” what I have earned, with you? Did you help me in MY JOB, to say I should “share”?  Get up off your lazy butt, like I did from the time I was 14, AND WORK!  I had 2-3 jobs until I was out of college.  I have been gainfully employed in my chosen field for over 32 years!

Go Rusty!   I bet every last one of those likes are from healthy white males over 40.   Not one of them have listened to anything but Fox News for at least the last 20!   They don’t even want to realize that in the last 20 years most good paying jobs have been squeezed out by corporations that moved jobs over sea’s to fatten profits.

They don’t want to wake up and take an honest look at what younger people are facing.  It should make you a bit worried.  After all you’re in your 50’s and there are all those really way over educated young people coming up behind you, who are much more aware of what the markets needs are now.

Like Christopher Engleby ·of Penn State… ” the biggest problem facing our generation today is the refusal to admit its your own fault and get out their and change it.. start your own business .. for some reason we think we should be entertained and party 24/7 and still be paid like the people out their creating jobs and opportunities. sad”

He see’s the big picture but at 20 Christopher still thinks he has all the answers.   We will forgive you for not realizing that starting your own business may not be the perfect answer to paying off those school loans you’re adding up.

What kind of business will you start?  Failure rates in the first 5 years are high.  To help you out a bit here, in order from highest to lowest are the five year survival rates for new businesses.

  • mining (51.3 percent)
  • manufacturing (48.4 percent)
  • services (47.6 percent)
  • wholesaling and agriculture (47.4 percent)
  • retailing (41.1 percent)
  • finance, insurance, and real estate (39.6 percent)
  • transportation, communications and utilities (39.4 percent)
  • construction (36.4 percent)

You have no way to know how complicated starting a new business is or how hard it will be to compete with companies who produce products outside the US.  Of course you can start a business that out-sources all it’s work to China so that you can compete with Walmart’s prices.  Then at least you can afford to pay YOU.

If you don’t then you will be happy to know that about 25% of all workers have been willing to make less then $10. per hour and I’m sure it won’t bother you that most of those are adults that will have no retirement to look forward to.   If you succeed you will be happy that there are at least 25  job seekers for every job opening in the US.

If you don’t maybe being one of them will take just a bit of the bravado out of you.  Odds are that your both healthy white males.  Most of the cuts in employment clearly don’t seem to effect you.

Well, maybe you would have been more worried when they cut all those teaching jobs, if you had to think about having kids in school.

Nursing jobs?  Look for a nurse next time you need hospital care.  They have cut staffing to the bone!   People hire me to sit with family members in the hospital so they can get the care they need when the family isn’t around to give it.

Those people went to school and worked hard to get those $40,000 a year jobs.  Where do they work now?  Did you hear that they are letting go huge numbers of firemen, policemen, and government workers? Ouch!  Those people also make $35,000 -$60,000 a year.

All those incomes would have helped to support some of those new businesses you think everyone should get off their lazy butts and start.  Who will you sell to and serve?  As the number of empty store fronts in our town will attest to, just having a business doesn’t mean that you will make a living.

Where are these people going?  Are these people not worth counting as well?  Are they not worthy of caring about?  Wait who is going to keep us safe?   Who is going to take my complaint when they couldn’t send me my Birth-certificate for 7 months that I needed to renew my license because we are not willing to pay for those workers either?

If your part of the middle class that they are cutting you should be more worried then the rest of us really… because had you been out here having to find a job lately you would know, most employers don’t want to hire people way under the pay scale they are used to.

This is smart really.  They figure that your needs are not going to be met by the job and you won’t stay with it or be happy with what they offer long term.  Why hire you when there are so many already used to what they are willing to pay?

Well Rusty, you are looking at retirement but you haven’t looked up to notice that retirement is something that is slated to go!   Even if yours looks sewn up, tons of corporations have found ways to ditch their retirement responsibilities during bankruptcy proceedings and then open back up with a clean slate and even more profits.  You can always hope that the company you work for isn’t next in that line because Social security is not so secure anymore!

Good news is they are building more Walmart’s!   When you too find yourself unemployed by trickle down economics that long ago stopped trickling, you can always work there.  You see Walmart is used to moving into towns and hiring the people who made a living wage before they shut down all the places they used to work for.

They are willing to let you work for so little that you also qualify for food-stamps and medical!   Just kidding.  You see most states are shunning “Obama care” and making it impossible to get state medical and they just gutted the food stamp program.





Practicing living Singleton

7 07 2012
I have D.I.D. or what used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder.  D.I.D. is considered a mental disorder that’s existence is much debated, and frequently diagnosed in the same people as bipolar disorder or like me Post-Traumatic Stress Disordered.
I would very much like to change something about the way people view mental illness in general and the way D.I.D. disordered people see themselves.  It seems like standard form even in the language to see mental illness as a character flaw.  When we view mental illness as a weakness it becomes something that works against progress and personal growth.  See it for what it is and it is just one more challenge to over come.
Trauma damages the brain.   It’s actually the loss the ability to access that damaged area of the brain that everyone sees with a stroke victim.  If you apply what they know about brain injury to trauma its easy to see what is going on with DID.
They have done brain scans of trauma victims and can see on the scan the noticeable “Dying back” effect on the brain.  I have experienced it again and again from the inside.  Just like with a stroke, you lose functioning.
The brain is a storage and processing system.  If a processing center has been injured the brains own capability to rewire itself will happen in a short time you will begin to function again by its using another part of the brain that wasn’t effected by the damage, to do that job.
When it’s the storage system (Memory) that has been damage all the new information begins to be stored in a new undamaged area.  Personality is really just a pattern of behavior, and dependent on memory.  A pattern has to start somewhere.  The basic structure of our nature, or how we respond to stimuli is ours at birth but each new decision that we make after that sets up that pattern.
What makes us like or dislike something?  How we experience it.  It’s a flash decision based on a huge intake of information,  and once we make that decision we normally wouldn’t make it again.  Do you like peas?  Well once you know that you don’t, unless your forced, you don’t eat them again.  Each new decision that we make will be based in part on the ones made in the past.
If you take away all the past information, we get to make those decisions again based on totally new intake of information.   We know tastes change and so do experiences; Each new area of the brain that stores memory will have a totally different pattern of making decisions, OR PERSONALITY.
Healing can occur if the damage wasn’t too severe, and when you get older you form an outer web of connections that make your brain more accessible and then you have my problem.  The brain can access all those separate files containing personality at random.  Wahoooo now were cooking!
If you are interested in the subject I would love to kick it around with you some more, but my point is with DID you are accessing separate files of the same human being subjected to different experiences.  DID is  a brain injury that makes behaving as a singleton extremely challenging and at times not even possible, but while some part of the brain function may be mentally ill, over all DID itself shouldn’t even be classified as a mental illness any more then a stroke or brain injury would.







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