Adapting to a new vision.

Last holiday season was a season of grief and loss and I needed time to process the changes.  I have been in the hospital again and this alone bought about loss.  For over 40 years I expected that I would someday figure out what was broken in me and fix it.

That someday I would be “normal” is a hard dream to let go of, but it has finally died.  Normal meant that I wouldn’t have my body shut down on me against my will because life was a bit more stressful than usual.

It also meant that I would trust my thinking process.  Longing  for the day that I not worry that it’s so flawed that I might do things that I would not be able to live with later.  This happened far too often because the part of my brain that kept track of my belief system would not be accessible.

I thought that I had finally achieved that when this current breakdown occurred.  It brought with it a new weary that wears on me long after the effects of the stresses I have had.

One that says I will NEVER be “well”.   I will never be able to tolerate what is a normal amount of stress for others.  I will never be able to live without my family’s watchful eye, telling me when I have strayed from what is usual for my behavior, so that I can seek out the help I need to get back to being able to function normally.

I am blessed that I have a loving family that keeps a watchful eye without needing to control me.  I know that it’s not always so.   I resist being maintained 24/7 on medication that Doctors have claimed that I could never function without.   Most of the time I function fine, but I realize under other circumstances their dire predictions might bear out as true.

So now the new vision.  One of me always dependent on those who love me, and as always, ever grateful for their gift in my life.