Panic Attack…

17 03 2014

I was in traffic when it hit.  It felt like something physical… tremors in my heart and an ever growing physical discomfort till I couldn’t breathe.  It felt like it came from outside of me and I didn’t have control over my reaction.  That made it grow.  The feeling that every thing was fine and for no reason that I could control, suddenly NOT FINE, added a terror and a grief that easily overwhelmed me. 

I globalized it.  Worried that I shouldn’t be driving anymore.  Shouldn’t go anywhere alone.  That I couldn’t be trusted.  That at any moment that feeling could hit again and I could get THAT out of control frighted me.

That afternoon was shot.  I raved like a loon to people who cared.  They held my hand and wanted to take away the fear and that did.  Then when I calmed down, I pulled apart what happened.  

What started it?   What was I thinking?  Where did I feed into and help myself lose control?  Where could I take some control if it happened again?  From there came a plan.  Not a perfect formula to follow but tools added to try next time.  

Comfort is taken from the recognition that no matter how I felt, the feeling did pass.  First tool is time.  Recognize that it is a waiting game and I can do this.  I have done it.  Bleed off time.  Ignore the changes in my body.  The pounding in my chest, the changes in how much air I feel I get.  They didn’t really harm me.  I got enough air.  I didn’t pass out … nothing really bad happened.

Something about Harry Potter… That scene where the class takes the scary thing and makes it funny.  Try to find something humorous.  Break the grip fear had.  Tools for the next time.

Love resides here…

17 03 2014

I am in the mist of this really good thing.  It is a world of enough.  Enough money, enough love, enough time, where bad things never happen.  Like some paralleled universe to my own and when I am in his arms I am so safe.  Everything is quiet and wonderful and the world was created to be enjoyed.

I had to fight back the fear that hit when I first went there.  It felt irrational to feel safe and scared.   Fear that I didn’t belong there and would never live in that world.   I get angry at my brain but I also appreciate it.  I don’t stay stuck too long.  I move on to being OK with who and where I am in my life.

It doesn’t matter if I don’t belong… for what ever reason I am here.  Life is good.  I have for this moment a respite if I take it.  A few days a week of visiting a foreign country and experiencing what the world might have been like had the dice rolled differently on the day I was born.

I take it knowing that the days may be numbered.  That it is just another thing to add to my experience bank.  I drink it in and steal back to my life which is abnormally good right now.  A world of sharing new baby’s, having my needs provided for and being appreciated.

For now we pass from one world to the other seamlessly without settling in.  We are, just for a time, observing.

Adapting to a new vision.

9 03 2014

Last holiday season was a season of grief and loss and I needed time to process the changes.  I have been in the hospital again and this alone bought about loss.  For over 40 years I expected that I would someday figure out what was broken in me and fix it.

That someday I would be “normal” is a hard dream to let go of, but it has finally died.  Normal meant that I wouldn’t have my body shut down on me against my will because life was a bit more stressful than usual.

It also meant that I would trust my thinking process.  Longing  for the day that I not worry that it’s so flawed that I might do things that I would not be able to live with later.  This happened far too often because the part of my brain that kept track of my belief system would not be accessible.

I thought that I had finally achieved that when this current breakdown occurred.  It brought with it a new weary that wears on me long after the effects of the stresses I have had.

One that says I will NEVER be “well”.   I will never be able to tolerate what is a normal amount of stress for others.  I will never be able to live without my family’s watchful eye, telling me when I have strayed from what is usual for my behavior, so that I can seek out the help I need to get back to being able to function normally.

I am blessed that I have a loving family that keeps a watchful eye without needing to control me.  I know that it’s not always so.   I resist being maintained 24/7 on medication that Doctors have claimed that I could never function without.   Most of the time I function fine, but I realize under other circumstances their dire predictions might bear out as true.

So now the new vision.  One of me always dependent on those who love me, and as always, ever grateful for their gift in my life.

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