Dating and cisgender/transgender issues

28 07 2013

I am over 50 and dating and that has brought up some thoughts on things that I long ago stopped thinking about.  I can’t help but to look at prospective SO’s and consider how they view our gender identity and how we will mesh long-term.

I am far from being OK with guys who say “this is me not giving a f__k” when it comes to the inequity’s that keep woman held down, but feminist issues have stopped being a hot button for me.  Even close inspection barely reveals the feminist who used to dwell here.

The last guy I dated was amazing.  I met him on a dating site and we seemed to be a great match.  When we started talking he said “I am one of the first metro-sexual’s”.  For the first few dates that seemed wonderful.

We went to his place and it was spotless.  He didn’t just cook, he was a chef and he prepared meals for us with ingredients I hadn’t heard of till then.  He always looked polished and didn’t mind wearing a suit, even though jeans were more his style.

Being with him was easy.  Our days together flowed without conflict, but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t commit to a long-term relationship with him because I realized that I didn’t feel necessary in the relationship.

Looking back I have the benefit of logic that was lost on me at the time.  I was an idiot.  He was with me because he wanted someone to share his life with and I was good at that but it wasn’t enough for me.  I felt so insecure that I couldn’t get comfortable.

Have you ever been in a relationship where they broke it off saying “it’s not you, its me” well maybe you can believe that when I tell you that is EXACTLY what I felt here.  Everything about him was wonderful.

For a year and a half now I have reflected on what was wrong with me!  I have felt undeserving of a relationship since because I felt that God gave me something really good and I tossed it aside like it was nothing.

I wish I could say ‘I have come a long way baby’ but what I realize is that as I have gotten older I have solidified my cisgender qualities.

In my 20’s I had gender issues that ranged from fears that my size kept me from being feminine enough to being blind furious that when ever I made enough money to survive, and it put me in direct conflict with angry men who thought I had no right to compete with them for “jobs that could feed their families”.

I was 29 when I learned to dance.  Not that wiggly independent do what ever you feel to the music dancing, but the kind where he takes you across the floor and you know nothing about what you’re doing but you’re doing it because he directs every move wordlessly with everything he does.

It is hard to be a feminist when what you want most is to feel that again.  To be able to follow blindly and trust that the result isn’t going to reflect that you had no idea where you were going:  You won’t stumble and he won’t take you anywhere you don’t want to go.

Not long after that a friend said, “Let a man take care of you.  You know you can so you have nothing to prove, and it makes them feel good to let them do it”.  Between that and what I felt on the dance floor it changed everything I ever felt about gender roles and woman’s equality.

In the last 25 years I have molded myself into the woman who loves to clean house; takes pride in the fact that she can hand sew a stitch so perfect that it looks machined, loves the smell and feel of laundry just out of the dryer but wants her sheets line dried so her bed is “sunshine fresh”, and enjoys pressing perfect pleats into “permanent press” clothing.

After over a year of hard contemplation I realize that’s less who I am then what I do and hopefully when I meet the next perfect guy we will mesh more comfortably then I did with the last one:  I think I am ready to try again.

 

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