Dating and cisgender/transgender issues

28 07 2013

I am over 50 and dating and that has brought up some thoughts on things that I long ago stopped thinking about.  I can’t help but to look at prospective SO’s and consider how they view our gender identity and how we will mesh long-term.

I am far from being OK with guys who say “this is me not giving a f__k” when it comes to the inequity’s that keep woman held down, but feminist issues have stopped being a hot button for me.  Even close inspection barely reveals the feminist who used to dwell here.

The last guy I dated was amazing.  I met him on a dating site and we seemed to be a great match.  When we started talking he said “I am one of the first metro-sexual’s”.  For the first few dates that seemed wonderful.

We went to his place and it was spotless.  He didn’t just cook, he was a chef and he prepared meals for us with ingredients I hadn’t heard of till then.  He always looked polished and didn’t mind wearing a suit, even though jeans were more his style.

Being with him was easy.  Our days together flowed without conflict, but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t commit to a long-term relationship with him because I realized that I didn’t feel necessary in the relationship.

Looking back I have the benefit of logic that was lost on me at the time.  I was an idiot.  He was with me because he wanted someone to share his life with and I was good at that but it wasn’t enough for me.  I felt so insecure that I couldn’t get comfortable.

Have you ever been in a relationship where they broke it off saying “it’s not you, its me” well maybe you can believe that when I tell you that is EXACTLY what I felt here.  Everything about him was wonderful.

For a year and a half now I have reflected on what was wrong with me!  I have felt undeserving of a relationship since because I felt that God gave me something really good and I tossed it aside like it was nothing.

I wish I could say ‘I have come a long way baby’ but what I realize is that as I have gotten older I have solidified my cisgender qualities.

In my 20’s I had gender issues that ranged from fears that my size kept me from being feminine enough to being blind furious that when ever I made enough money to survive, it put me in direct conflict with angry men who thought I had no right to compete with them for “jobs that could feed their families”.

I was 29 when I learned what it was like to dance.  Not that wiggly, independent, do what ever you feel to the music dancing; but the kind where he takes you across the floor and you know nothing about what your doing, but your doing it because he directs every move wordlessly with everything he does.

It is hard to be a feminist when what you want most is to feel that again.  To be able to follow blindly and trust that the result isn’t going to reflect that you had no idea where you were going: You won’t stumble and he won’t take you anywhere you don’t want to go.

Not long after that a friend said, “Let a man take care of you.  You know you can so you have nothing to prove, and it makes them feel good so let them do it”.  Between that and what I felt on the dance floor it changed everything I ever felt about gender roles and woman’s equality.

In the last 25 years I have molded myself into the woman who loves to clean house; takes pride in the fact that she can hand sew a stitch so perfect that it looks machined, loves the smell and feel of laundry just out of the dryer but wants her sheets line dried so her bed is “sunshine fresh”, and enjoys pressing perfect pleats into “permanent press” clothing.

After over a year of hard contemplation I realize that’s less about who I am, then what I do and hopefully when I meet the next perfect guy we will mesh more comfortably then I did with the last one: I think I am ready to try again.


Recently inspired…

27 07 2013

“The Beautiful thing is that healing happens and one day you can actually wake up and find that what “defined you” is just part of a long ago history that really isn’t important at all. It is easier said than done, but sometimes you’re looking so hard at a way to make it happen that you don’t realize, it just does.

You wake up and find loving yourself doesn’t need excuses, it doesn’t need validation, it isn’t something you need to earn. You were born deserving it and one day you just know that nothing anyone did to you after birth changed that fact.

Then you look around and realize this is YOUR life and every moment is a new one to start fresh and paint again what you want it to look like from here on and THAT becomes the focus of your whole life, just to be in the beautiful world that you want to live in.”

I have landed in a place in my life that there is little for me to feel inspired to share anymore.  It has become a drama free zone and like someone slipping into a pool on a warm day I am just soaking in it and feeling blessed.

I really am not painting or creating anything.  It is part of the tapes of my growing up to feel that there is something really wrong with that.  The just breathing and taking up air without contributing to the world in any way that others profit from, but strangely enough they are missing from all the moments of my life now.

I feel Gratitude.  I feel love.  I hear silence where there has never been silence before and don’t question it.  Don’t fear that it’s a fleeting gift.  I aim for being a mirror of it.

I don’t fear being a sponge.  I know who and what I am, finally.  I am soaking in what I have now.  This part of my life is no longer connected to the life I had.  It’s not even based on who I was before.

Something miraculous has happened.  I reached a point where I stopped believing I earned pain in this life: That I deserved pain.   I can almost put my finger on when it happened and I can see the whole world changed to accommodate that new belief.

When you stop the way the world is spinning and spin it in the other direction, for a moment everything stops and you’re caught in the blur as you’re still spinning.  That’s where I have been and I feel like I am IN the moment of clarity, peace and silence that is that moment before it changes direction and everything begins again.

I am moving into a selfish zone where I get something for myself out of the life I have left.  I KNOW the reason we were put on the planet was so that something existed here that could appreciate all that God has done and I do.

I don’t know if you will want to be where I am.  I don’t even know if I will wake up tomorrow and be here myself but for this moment in time Life is so beautiful.

Without any artificial enhancements of any kind I assure you, the sadness, the blackness, they are all perfectly balanced and perfectly beautiful and it’s really OK to experience the other side.


8 07 2013

My guess, when looking at this blog, is that most people would just think that I lack focus, but I think its more that my brain doesn’t stay in the same space.

In reality I tend to drift, become micro focused and then drift again.  They are always trying to put me on some kind of medication but the things they want to medicate me for, are not the things I think need fixed.  I wonder if there is medication that would fix that.

Even when I am able to write, I tend not to retain focus for very long on one thing.  Most Blogs seem to stay pretty much on the same subject and I know that is something I need to get better at but I fail miserably.

I can’t even read with focus.  Really if I keep reading one blog constantly because I am emotionally attached or for any reason really, in a short time I find it annoying that everyone else is soooo micro focused!

If they write about being depressed … they never seem to pull out of it.  If they craft it is mostly the same things over and over and over.  I want fresh … new … at least a jolt of something different now and then.

I always thought I would be a writer for a newspaper, but I wouldn’t write columns I would write fillers.  Those little bits of stuff they gather that have no timeline attached that you can put anywhere to take up space where ever you need them.  Useful but really not normally newsworthy as NEWS.

The stuff that is written for people who read from need.  They read the cereal boxes as they eat because they need to read something…it doesn’t matter what.  They consume with their brain.  That way I could hop around and chat about anything that moved me at the moment.

That’s  what I do here.

People drop in and see something about keeping on track with their exercise and diet and hit follow because they think they can come back and find more motivation here later.

Probably not any time soon folks.

Mental health is another focus that seems to come and go.  I tend to follow more of those blogs than any other.   I feel close to those who know that struggle, but for the most part I am healthier than ever and can’t churn out the constant stream of how do I work this through, anymore.

So how do I write a blog that will maintain its followers?  According to what I have read subject hopping isn’t going to build readership.  Good thing I don’t need to be paid for what I do because that is what I do best.  If you read the box of cereal as you eat, hopefully you will find a home here.

sincerely SB

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