Love, living and death…

9 03 2013

I have spent my life caring for people who were at the end of theirs.  I have held their hand while they were passing and once even held them in my arms as the life left their body.  Once you have actually witnessed it, there really isn’t a question; you know that they are just not in that body anymore.  It’s only a wax shell.  For me death isn’t frightening, It isn’t beautiful, it just is.

When your dealing with death, People you don’t even know think that it’s their job to pass on their perspective of the meaning of life and what you should be doing with your’s.  This last week we have kind of lost our sense of humor.   I have refused to live medicated, but I do know what works for me, and going to church isn’t it.

I don’t know how it will be when it comes my time to stare death in the face, but I do know how hard it is watching those I love do it.  I sometimes wonder why I chose a life doing it.

Part of what allows me to go on doing it is my belief system. One of the things that I KNOW is true, is that if you change your beliefs, you change your life.  When it comes to death and dying I cling with teeth to the ones I have.  A few things I have experienced have influenced those beliefs.

Not the least of which is my beloved Aunt. When She Lost the love her life, She went right on having coffee with her every morning.  She would pour them both a cup; set them on the table by the chairs they always sat in, and talk to her about her life.

It was not long after her death that Bunny started finding hearts in the cup.  Every day she would make the coffee and day after day there would be the heart.  My aunt took tons of pictures and showed them to everyone who would listen.

I myself witnessed those hearts; some were clear, strong, and boldly centered and others were lacy around the edges or seem to curl sweetly around the side, but there were clearly recognizable hearts in those cups.

She was going to write a book and publish all those shots so people would know that love lives on even after you lose someone, and I truly believe it does.

When Bunny herself passed, She had been told she had cancer and only had a short time to live so I had been going up every day I had off to see her.  That last day as I drove into Portland it was covered over in a rainbows.

I had never seen more than two in the sky in all my life, but on this day they were everywhere;  Hundreds of them!  One came arching down from the sky and touched the front of my car!  I was so excited thinking that I would be blessed with good fortune and rushed to tell her what I had seen but she was gone.

Every fiber of my being believes it was her way of kissing me goodbye.  I think of her often and when I do I wrap my arms around her and give her a big squeeze and feel loved, just as I always did when she shared this earth with me.

I got the biggest complement of my whole life last night. “you are the only person I know that doesn’t add stress to my life.”   Wow, I couldn’t have thought of a better goal if I spent months trying.

I am no longer the seeker of truth that I was then.  To quote billy…”if you get the answer you’re looking for, hang up”.   For me this conversation is over.



2 responses

10 03 2013
Velcro Not Strings

Nothing in this life can possibly be worse then losing a child.
How inept I feel at expressing my condolences but I fear that
everything that could be said is so trite.

When I wrote that I thought “no one will believe it, they will
just think your crazy” and this morning I signed on to delete
this post and for some reason I didn’t. To have found someone
else that had that experience as well is validating.

Thank you for sharing that.

10 03 2013
Out of the Ashes

This entry definitely struck a chord here. My son, age six, made his exodus to Heaven just over four years ago. My husband and I alone, sat at his bedside as he let out the last breath and his heart stopped. The ten minutes of so leading up to that moment felt like he was laboring to birth his spirit. We had all four of our children at home and there were many similarities we saw between labor and birth, and labor and physical death. I think it’s rare to find someone who has a similar perspective though.

Like you experienced, the day my son died, there were rainbows a plenty surrounding us as we drove our car home from dinner. It was remarkable to see them and we just knew they were from him. I am teary just writing that and it is again so awesome to know of someone else who experienced this.

And finally, he sends us little love notes and gifts even still. Most especially during the first two years when we needed them most but still on my hardest days, he lets me know he is around You are so right that love never dies. It cannot be contained. The spirit never dies and thus love doesn’t We just need to get used to receiving it in a different way after the body sets the spirit free.

It is good to meet you. You are doing an amazing thing by being with people as their bodies die. It is not easy but being able to see the other side of things as you are able, makes you an angel on earth.

Looking foward to getting to know you more.

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