Starting over…

4 02 2013

I am part of a community of people who are mental ill.  I am both inside and outside of it.  I have years of experience with being there  but feel safely outside of that downward spiral for now.  Those same years of experience have shown me ways to get myself out when life pulls me back there.

I am hurting and part of this trip is keeping myself out of that place of isolation again.  I need face to face contact with others to have a healthy functioning brain.  It’s a fact that being around people is the best possible way for your brain to build the connections it needs to be fully functioning.

Isolation alone is disabling and the worst part is it’s self-perpetuating. I truly believe that if anyone is helped by therapy it’s because of that face to face contact.

Tripping around on the web has made me realize just how isolated people are getting and how little they realize that alone contributes to their problems. The web is great for connecting to others but it will never be as good as a hand in your own.

I was the starting over queen before there was an internet and I am grateful. I see people who seem well supported and connected on here all the time that still seem locked in their misery and lonely. The fact that this is the way that they learned to reach out to others, I think in some ways hurts them.

So many try to reach back in loving ways but they seem to keep that feeling of insulation and isolation. It is safer to reach out for acceptance here because you control how much people know about you and how they are able to touch you, and that is exactly what keeps it from being enough.

Nothing they say can ring true when the voice in your head says “yes but you don’t really know me”. You are not building trust either because you haven’t let go of complete control of how they are able to reach back.

Some ways that people have touched me have hurt me, but overwhelmingly the majority of people I come in contact with haven’t and so many have touched me in ways I have never forgotten and have healed immensely from. If you never trust again that can’t happen.

I believe that this world isn’t the scary place we see in the news; that over all people are good and want to help others.   We are encouraged to look at how we are different but there are more ways that we are the same.  I believe that everyone deserves respect.  It’s only after we have been shown it, that we begin to look worthy of it.

This trip is going to push my boundaries beyond my safe zone again.  I won’t be able to see the same people again and again.  I won’t know anyone I meet for two months and it isn’t going to be easy so if you recognize me out there on the road with my bicycle and beads, please do say hello.

It would make my world feel smaller and more comfortable, safer to be in.

Hope to see you soon, Sincerely SB

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