The truth…

30 01 2013

For the last few weeks I have been trying to make some sense of what has happened.  A year ago I landed here a mess just like I always do.  I had been dating one guy I couldn’t get away from and not feeling good enough to have a relationship with the perfect one who replaced him…and in the mist of everything Val exacted a promise.  

That promise did what all promises tend to do, it took on a life of it’s own.  There were days I didn’t feel I could honor it and she said she would understand.  There were a few times that she wished she hadn’t asked, and I wished I hadn’t said yes, but we had and we both saw it through.

Because we did I have the gift she wanted me to have when I came here and I feel grateful:  Some sense of value and self worth that I wasn’t able to find before.  This year was gift we gave each other.  It is time for us both to be at peace.  God bless everyone who has been supportive.  God Bless everyone who is in pain.  God Bless and tenderly keep Val till those who love her can be with her again.  Amen

Life is like a box of Chocolates…

28 01 2013

I woke up this morning and couldn’t stop crying.  I finally realized what IT is.  I need some kind of transition that has nothing to do with my old life or helping anyone else.   Something that doesn’t scream I was waiting for you to die so that I could get back to MY life!

I am not who I was when I came here.  I need time and space to find out who I am now.  People are having radical reactions to my saying this bike trip is it.  If you are among them please put your heart at rest.  I am not going down to the goodwill today, getting a bike and peddling off with my kitty on my shoulder.

I expect that those who love me, to support me and help me make this trip possible instead of telling me all the reasons it’s not practical.  I know that I haven’t worked out since I got here.  I expect to spend some time getting in shape.

I expect to spend some time raising money, ( it will take about $3000 to make that trip not including the bike and equipment) I expect to have every mile planned out before I leave.

I expect my “butt will hurt and that things will go wrong and that I will get sick of being on the road, and I may even just get sick”.  I honestly do know all of those things.  I know me well enough to know that all those miles of silence and movement are exactly what I need.  I am an adult challenging myself to actually make the most of my life.  It’s doable.

People my age and much older do this all the time.  I am setting a goal and working toward it with all the passion I applied to being here for Val this last year.   I have sent for maps that show the routes that cyclists take and joined a cycling group on-line.

I have connected with someone who has done this many times over and will help me get prepared to make the trip. I have to say Thank you for something… failing is no longer part of the equation. So many people have laughed at the idea that now I know just going till my heart stops hurting isn’t even possible. I have to make this trip ocean to ocean.

If you know me at all … You know that starting over is what I do best.

January 29, 2013 I begin again.  I hope that it’s OK that I stay in touch.



Found it…

28 01 2013

here in my cat!  I have to thank God constantly for his wisdom and the grace he has shown me.  I didn’t know when God brought her into my life that I would be the one to need her.  I didn’t know how little human touch would soothe my hurts or how soon I would find out: when he pushed up the urgency for me to go get her… but I truly believe HE did.

She starved herself to the point I worried about her just to get to be in the same room with me.  The more pain I am in the closer she stays.  Right now she is perched watching just inches from the keyboard patient with my need to write.

This morning she let me sob into her fur and nuzzled against my cheek, not minding the snot and tears, or caring about the wetness.  Last night she pushed so closely up against me that I felt her heart beating against mine.  Her CPR keeping mine going.

She puts a paw up to my cheek and pulls me closer to her to give me soft little nose kisses and leans in to give me whole body hugs.  How perfect a creature and how great the love of the one who sent her to me.

Yesterday I could feel only pain and anger and today because of her I have a heart full of Gratitude.  Thank You… How Great YOU are.  Thank you.

very old gal reviving old dream

27 01 2013

When I was a kid we would get the Sears Catalog.  They used to call it the wish book and that’s what I used it for… dreaming and wishing.  I used to dream of biking across the US and would spend countless hours planning that trip and figuring out where I would go and what I would need to take with me.   It seemed like everything I would ever need was right in that catalog and it made the idea of the trip real for me.

Then I started having kids and my Aunt told me to kiss that dream goodbye…”Honey if you haven’t done it by the time your 20 you never will.”  For years I never thought of it again.

I was divorced and most of my kids grown when the dream started building up in me again.  The boys had left home and I was wondering how I would transition my life to not having them to raise anymore.  My Daughter was 17 when her and I started talking about taking that trip together.  I was only 42 and the dream still felt like a possibility then.  We would leave in the early fall after she graduated high school.

Sass died and for a while I was afraid that the grief would kill my Mother.  I changed that plan and July 1st of 2001 I headed back to Oregon to be with her.  In October my Daughter had joined us and by the following spring was pregnant with her first child.  I remarried and just that and being a grandma was enough that I had no other dreams for a while.

Life constantly throws change and challenges at us.  Divorcing again has opened up a new world of possibilities.  I moved here with no notice at all and brought little of consequence with me, but the reason I came is coming to a close and again I am faced with the question of what I want to do with the time I have been blessed with.

Out of no-where I find myself talking with someone who as done this over 20 times and is planning a 6,000 mile sponsored bicycle ride, Jacksonville to Long Beach, CA and up the west coast to Coos Bay, OR and then retracing the entire route back to Jacksonville.  He is 65 years old!

I saw the movie “School of life” last night, and now it’s on my to do list.  In case you haven’t seen it (you should); the Teacher asked his students, “How much time do we have left?”, and they all look at the clock.  He says, “Not enough.  That’s how much time we have–not enough.”  

Every time I wanted to change I have.  That’s the thing, when your ready, you just do it.   I’m ready, so that’s my ‘what’s next’.  My family thinks I’m crazy…so glad that they aren’t wrong.   Gubette we’re off  on another adventure!  Any one know of a way to take a cat on a cross country bike ride.

Am I the only one

25 01 2013

DSCN0977That feels that when I can write (feel free to substitute your own talents here) I can’t paint…. and when I can paint I can’t write???  Like I truly can only access one area of my brain during that time.  Will be back when I can…

…sincerely SB.

21 01 2013

For the last few months I have been caught up in the drama of having a family member close to dying and emotionally I have divorced myself from everything else.

I only realized how divorced I have been in the last couple of days after the death of a fellow DID Blogger.  Sara was one of the first bloggers I followed when I joined WordPress and yet for the last few months I haven’t check her blog at all.

Some like Crazy in the Coconut, Vwoop Vwoop, and Depressed Moose are so prolific that they are always at the top of my page when I get in a mood to read but somehow I missed her most recent posts, and now she is gone.

There is an extreme bias against the mentally ill.  Those who don’t have DID, don’t know what its like to lose control of who you are and how you present to others, but we do.  

Sara wrote that people with DID commit Suicide more often than even people with severe depression and I believe this is true.  It is hard for anyone to live with our mistakes, but if your basic belief system is in place, you attempt to live close to those beliefs.   When you don’t have that protection your resulting actions will reflect that as well.

With me I have extreme conflicts between the one who believes all her power and worth is wrapped up in her sexuality, and the one who is very religious.   People who claim that we are all tempted and don’t all give into that temptation, don’t even live on the same planet as we do.

The difference is you have the advantage of that belief system when you make those decisions.  We bear responsibility for actions of parts of ourselves that don’t share our basic belief system and morals.  Often they don’t share our memories or history either.

I have had encounters with people who knew me that I didn’t know.  People who would have expectations that I would do things that the current occupant couldn’t imagine doing, and found offensive.  When that is normal for you the shame is something you carry with you always.

The outside world can’t imagine that any part of us really doesn’t know what the rest of us knows.  Internally it is just as hard for us to understand what is going on, and to deny that we have responsibility for all that we do.  

They call what we do “Dissociation” which implies that some part of it is voluntary, or an action we took intentionally to distance ourselves from pain.   That’s wrong!  It is brain damage, just like that caused by a stroke and nothing we did or didn’t do gave us this disorder.  Those that caused the trauma did.  We need that knowledge in our heart and mind.

The external world judges us when we are not as capable as they think we should be, but there is some part of us that buys into the fact that we have done this to ourselves and totally strips us of any of the protection we should have.

Would you judge someone harshly who stumbles on crutches after a car accident?  We tend to take on some culpability for our own condition as if we had been the driver but if you have DID you were not driving!  You were a small child and no part of you is guilty for you having this disorder.

It’s our internal score keeper that needs  re-educated so that our system has something to fight back with when the outside world condemns us.  My heart breaks that Sara didn’t have that protection.  We all need it.

If you are young and have DID please try to realize that it gets so much better with time.   Surround yourself with a positive support system and give yourself that time.   It does get better.   Just like a stroke victim you will heal and can retrain your brain to function in ways that make you more capable, and that make this life more livable.

Sara, I hope you now have the peace, love and understanding that you were denied in this life.   Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

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