Please forgive me …

28 12 2012
for not being able to share the happy moments we had over the holidays.  There are some moments when we are able to laugh but I have sat here for 2 days now trying to share Christmas dinner with you and just can’t.  I only feel the sadness and just don’t have it in me to be able to pull anything else up right now.
Valerie hasn’t eaten anything in 5 full days now and has radically reduced the amount that she drinks and smokes as well.  Her body is shutting down.  For my Dad and Bunny it was about 3 weeks from the time they stopped eating till they died.  For both the last few days were in a coma state.
I managed to get her to her Dr appointment yesterday and they gave her fluids and steroids to boost her up.  She has another appointment for Monday but the way he shook his head I could see he doesn’t feel we should be doing this … he thinks we should just let her go.  Bob was totally freaking out when it looked like she wasn’t going to the Dr.   I feel judged by him but we are not ready!
The Doctor wants her on Hospice but Val refuses hospice services.  She says she still wants to fight this, but when we try to push her to do what she needs to to stay alive, she swears that she just can’t.  I feel stuck unable to feel or function really.  No tears or crying just nothing.
Part of me is shutting down too because if I feel anything its angry.  She wants me here but I no longer feel that I am able to do anything to help her anymore.  She doesn’t want me getting up with her,  She says it’s not good for me not to sleep through out the night.  I cook and she says nothing tastes right.  I am throwing out her tea and refreshing only to have her barely sip when she gets it.   I will drive anywhere to get her anything that she wants and she doesn’t eat or drink it when she gets it.

We are all sleeping a lot.   She didn’t want to die and ruin the holidays.  She has no obtainable goals left.  This isn’t going to be an easy Month.

“She wants me here but I no longer feel that I am able to do anything to help her anymore”.   Wow… that was a light bulb moment …I need to actively do things to feel useful but what she needs is just me…not anything but the emotional support of loving her and being here.
She just wants me to hold her hand and be here and really that is the hardest job of all.
It is incredible to me how just the act of writing helps.  The second I got that I realized that I don’t feel helpless or angry anymore. To love, is to be happy with.  Love is the only thing that really does help.  I hate it when I forget that and react to my own insecurities and hurt feelings.
So today we start again and just hope to get it right.

Just a little something light…

26 12 2012

My Brother asks…”whatcha eating?”  “A cookie”.  “Why don’t you have some of that cake that’s in there?” eeee… I don’t know, I just want a little something light”.  Yea I just looked down and realized that the bag was empty!  These were double stuff Oreo’s.  Somehow I just one mored myself through 22 cookies!  I could have eaten the whole cake and had less sugar!

Showing off my Christmas Joy…

23 12 2012


My Grandchildren, Tristan, Janna and the ugly doll I made for her years ago.

Ready or not!

23 12 2012


Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  I make gifts so anything that I am giving will be done by tonight. One Christmas when the kids were small I wrapped some unfinished Crocheted slippers and finished them after everyone opened their gifts.  I am always happy when it’s done because without that final flag I would never feel it was enough.   I would be working late into the night thinking of just one more person I HAD to do for and I always work down to the last second as it is.

Why do I insist on handmade gifts?  Year after year my Granddaughter got my crazy hats.  She is 10 now and too old for such things.  Last year I didn’t make her gift and she asked me why.  “You always seemed to hate the things I made Janna.”  “I didn’t always like the things the things you made, but I always loved the fact you made them just for me.”  So I am back to making things again…but no more hats.  Now I do ornaments and hope by the time she is grown she will leave home with a collection of them to hang every year and remember how I made them each for her.  Merry Christmas Everyone.

You should listen to your Mother.

11 12 2012

Years ago, my mother started me walking with her so that I could lose weight, and I did, but that’s really not what stuck with me.  It was this one thing she said as we were walking that still sticks with me 25 years later.

Up until that day I was a barefoot girl.  Mom said, “put some shoes on” and I said “I have really tough soles on my feet, I can walk without them”, and she let me.  I didn’t know that us walking 5 miles was any different from when I just doddled around town, but she did.

“You should take a coat”…”I never need one”.  I never spent days on the Oregon coast, but she did.

“You shouldn’t marry that man”…”He is more wonderful than you know”…and more trouble than I knew, but she did.

Each time I  hear the words she said as we were ending that walk; although she never again repeated,  “You should listen to your Mother.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“You should take your fiber.”  For years I have resisted…I mean have you tasted that stuff? blek!

I am also over 50 and realizing that the confounded woman is always right, have invested in a daily fiber beverage.  I swear for all time now I will write down every word she says and live it like my bible.  She may have been right before…but this has forced my total conversion.

If you don’t care for bathroom talk…don’t read any further.  I can’t hold myself back from my exclamation that this one thing alone I should have at least adhered to!

Just want to dance when I think of all the savings in toilet paper alone!

For years I have resented having to go.  I will avoid it for days because I just don’t want to spend all that time.  Sheet after sheet of toilet paper and no matter how much I wiped I never felt clean enough.

This stuff is a miracle!  It’s almost as good as if she had invented it herself! Fiber doesn’t just clean you out … It leaves you clean!

Oh Mamma,  I love ya!

Blessed Sunday…

2 12 2012


All last week I intended to stop and pick a handful of purple wildflowers from the lot on the corner.  I didn’t because Wildflowers are very delicate.    Unlike Roses they don’t linger for days after being picked and can’t be grafted and live.  You have to enjoy them where they are.  Yesterday I drove by and someone had mowed the whole lot and there wasn’t a flower in sight.   Then as I was pulling in the driveway this morning I noticed one live thing in the dead leaves of our yard.  God had sent us some of our own.

My heart was so happy at the sight of them.  One moment of thanks and on with my day.



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