Struggling to be one

13 08 2012

I have spent a life time trying to manage this disorder by making myself struggle to BE one uniform single-minded human being.  I thought once I went through the process to be integrated life would be simple and I would feel whole and healthy.

Well more like paranoid and confused.   I don’t know what I want.  To be the singleton I am muting and diluting the things that made me passionate and live on the edge and today it feels just too damn good to be out there.

It’s early and yet I have switched several times this morning already.  I am full of ideas and my mind is creative and active.   There are many here who have found ways to organize their lives and co-ordinate things around their others.  They have found ways to co-operate and take advantage of what is curse when you’re too young to be able to do that.

Being this age and maturity level is a huge benefit even if some of my parts never got this far.  We still benefit from the ability to share who we are with the others… to step in and out of one skin then the other and not lose the memory of what they experienced.

This vibrating string that I am seeing since I arrived makes me aware that it isn’t too late to tap into the gifts they each had and bring them to their fullest potential.  I want to flush them out and allow them to become fully personalized.

One of the bloggers that I follow has their system mapped out and named but I have family that freaks and try’s to get me on drugs when they see me being what they feel is off from NORMAL behavior.

I can’t blame them really.  The repeated hospitalization’s and unwanted drama more than they can cope with.   I too have been scared by this.  It’s almost creepy sometimes feeling like the skin you’re in doesn’t belong to you.

The first time I can remember being HIM, I could see myself.  I was thin and actually had the anatomy that fit who I WAS, a teen age boy.  I reached out and touched it with some part of me aware that that shouldn’t have been possible.  Weird effect on my brain, that being inside and outside.  The I that knows THIS body flipped that I experienced HIM so personally.

I can’t experience HIM that way anymore.  Something in my brain freaks out by the weirdness of knowing that body and mine don’t match…and now he just appears in my head.  Still, sometimes I wish…  I mean DANG that was intense!

Only someone on the outside of this disorder can believe that it’s acting or just a bid for attention.  After it’s over you can doubt the reality of it … but in the moment … the WHO you are then, is as real or more real than the one you know.

I can be bigger then life, or I can temper them all and be normal.  I feel blessed to have a choice, but also exhausted by the idea that I can wake up tomorrow or even seconds from now and remake it in another way and we are all stuck in that moment with what ever who is out decides.

The I’s in me have their own idea’s about how I should live my life and only another multiple could possibly understand how frustrating and disabling that can be.  Right now we are consuming others blogs like a starved man consumes a sparse meal trying to glean any information that would help us to function better.

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