Going with the flow…

29 08 2012

I woke up yesterday hours before anyone and I got on the computer and wrote a bit.  Then my sweet nieces took me to breakfast and to the plane.  It was 2 hours early so I checked my bags, went upstairs and sat in a rocker and finished my coffee, ‘people watching’ by the gate to the security check point.  I still had my Gatorade bottle full and needed to consume that before going through the check point so I was glad to have some time yet before my flight.

Family’s, lovers, and friends all parting there at the gate, while parts flew off to places they wouldn’t be.  I sat thinking of what a luxury in this life that I had been blessed with.  This time to just sit and think and watch life go by.  Time without demands or worry’s.  The world far removed in those moments where I am not a part of anything.

If I don’t exist FOR someone else, do I still exist?  Before I came here I was so uncomfortable alone that I HAD to have someone else in my life to feel like I did.  Who is this person who seems to enjoy the not being?

I used the restroom and discovered that I started my period and I had just checked my bags.  No access to my just in case packs, no machine in the bathroom for replacement pads, no fresh clean underwear.  Just a roll of toilet paper and enough experience to know just how often it needed replaced.  Back to what I was doing.  Just enjoying the day.

Gatorade gone and I went though the check point with a smile and over to where I could refill my bottle with water.  Then to my terminal.  Plane arrived right on time I got a seat by the window and two lovely lady’s my age took the seats next to me and both pulled out a paperback and I took out my blanket and pillow and slept.

Plane switch went equally smooth.  Took the first available isle seat and settled in for my nap next to a young couple who were very much into each other.  Good, no need to chat there either.

Disembarked unnoticed, and walked to  the baggage area where a sign said it could be 30 minutes for bags to appear.  They had some beautiful art on display and while everyone else milled about the area fretting I was the only one who seemed to take note of it.  For that few moments I was wrapped in the silence of a gallery and art that left my curiosity peaked and my mind racing with possibilities.

The bags started down the conveyor and by the time I noticed, my own bag was alone coming around a second time.  No one was around when I stooped to pick it up and make my way to the ladies room.  Tossed the undies and put on a fresh pair with protection and was off again.  Just as I made it comfortably out the door my bus pulled up in front of me to take me to the flyaway station where I would be picked up.

3 hours of beading and my butterfly took flight on the zipper pull of my bag… 10 minutes of frame sketching later Stephanie was there smiling in the doorway, ready to take me home with her for a shower and chat and then to see her kids again for the first time in 19 years..

Off to dinner with Kane and her friend.  We had wonderful Mexican food in a little divvy place that served Mexican the way I remember it, real shredded meat,  and served with mildly seasoned rice and beans covered over in cheese. YUM.

Then snuggled in on the most comfy cuddle up couch invented to sleep until 5 am this morning to awaken with a start at feeling myself flow.  Nothing harmed.  Back to enjoying my trip.  No firm plans for how it will go.  So far it is just moving me along at its own pace and I am just going with it, undisturbed.


Fly away home…

28 08 2012

Plane leaves in 4 hours…we are on count down time.  I have already had the “I left my glasses” panic over… and the how am I getting picked up from the Airport plans changed twice… The sticky, I don’t want to have to do this goodbyes are done.

I should be really excited now.  I will be seeing lots of friends and a boyfriend and my children and yet all I can think of is my kitty.  I am so worried about her.  Pets really do depend on you and how do you know they are getting loved and cared for.  Your kids learn to look after themselves but pets never do.  They always need you.

I have so much love in my heart for those who took on the responsibility for her all these Months so I could do what I needed to do for the people in my life.  I have said it but I am sure they couldn’t know how heart-felt it is.

I told her that I would be back and I am coming back for her.  My heart hurts that I could have left the way I did.  I was a farm girl;  Everything earns its way, everything works, and everything leaves.

I was also a foster-child.  If your human and in my life, you know that I know how not to get attached.   There are people who have touched my heart as well but I just don’t dwell on that.  There is a part of me sectioned off that they can’t touch that allows me to leave.

I thought it applied to her too but there was not a second that the loss of her in my life hasn’t weighed heavy on my heart…no human has ever touched me that way.  I leave them all the time and expect that we will cross paths again or we won’t but I needed her back in my life.

I won’t be leaving again without her… we are a pair now.  Till Gubette I never had an animal I ever loved.  It feels foreign to me, but the truth of it will never leave my awareness again. Animals were responsibility’s, they were never pets.

Gubette is more.  She is my companion, my friend, and my heart and forever more “home”, is only where she is.

Charity work…

16 08 2012

Day after day with St Vincent De Paul we had 2 jobs, the first to figure out ways to raise funds to help the poor.  I had no problem with how we raised funds.  I was glad to put in time at the thrift store, co-ordinate picking up stuff that was donated, donating whatever I could, working bake sales, and helping to cook and clean up at the once a week meals for the poor.

It was the other end I couldn’t deal with.  I was working hand in hand with a bunch of people who had NEVER been poor.  Their only way of dealing with people’s problems was to throw money at it and when we ran out of money, turn people away!

I bit my tongue until it bled every time someone else had the phone!   “Man I had a rough call yesterday, this poor girl called and needed $300.00 for an airline ticket to L.A. because her mother just died and she needed to get there to take care of the arrangements.  I hated to tell her we couldn’t help her.”

WHAT??!!!  Why couldn’t we help her?  Well we have a limit on what we can give each person, it’s $65. You give me 30 minutes and a phone and I would have gotten her there!

I would have called everyone on the list and asked them if they knew anyone who had frequent flyer miles enough to cash in for a ticket to L.A. and if that didn’t work I would have found her 6 verifiable rides on Craigslist that would have taken that $65 and gotten her to L.A., but I never told her that.

She had always lived a blessed life.  She had a wonderful husband who supported them well, two kids in school and worked part time.  She could easily be out sipping coffee with friends rather than spending her time trying to help people that didn’t have what she had.

When we handed out checks we went in pairs.  I guess so there was no question where the money went among other things.  I went with her to take a check to an 88 year old woman with a part time job and a $500 a month winter electric bill.

This woman still had to go to every other charity in town to get the limit of what they would give her to make up the difference and each and every one of them required a personal visit and her signing some piece of paper saying she got that check.  What kind of dignity do you get from that?

Real help would have been to sit down with her and figure out why that bill was so high and help her to remedy that.  Real help would have been to find a contractor or someone who knew something about making her small home energy efficient so she didn’t have those huge bills and making those $65 a month payments that we were giving to her, directly to him for doing it.

No I couldn’t be that person.  I wasn’t the one who would stand up and tell these people who had kept this charity running all these years how to run it when I was the newbie in the door.

I was the one who quit, because quitting is what I do. I get worn down by life to the point I can no longer do it and fold in like an aluminum can.  At some point I can no longer function without unloading what weighs me down and I quit.

My own life is hard enough to manage.  I have never been more than centimeters above the struggle to just exist, how can I tell anyone anything.


Dating and other suicidal tenancies…

15 08 2012

Have you ever computer dated?  You write a witty ad.  Put up a pic and wait for someone to show interest and see where that goes.  This is the equivalent of cutting behavior, without the fear that anyone will see the scars!

By sheer numbers alone it should make it easier to find someone to be with.  And for me it worked pretty well twice.  If you count answering someone else’s ad, three times but while I have met and shared really wonderful times with wonderful people … I really haven’t found what I’m looking for and now I am back to not looking.

I have a good life.  Real friends, close family, and more than enough going on to never get bored.  That should be enough.  Well that and my Battery operated boyfriend, which by the way I was too chicken shit to take on the plane and left in California!

It was for that reason I went on a ‘meet and greet’ yesterday, if you can call it that.  I would like to explain GREET: Give a polite word or sign of welcome or recognition to (someone) on meeting.

He had been insisting on meeting me and asked me to meet him for just one kiss while I was out, and I requested the meet and greet at Mc Donald’s instead.  I asked him to think about letting some sexual tension build between us first as it might change the outcome of that kiss.

When he first made that request I freaked and deleted my OKCupid account.  I realized instantly that while I am lonely, I am just not ready to meet someone.  Since I had started this by opening the account and inviting the exchange I felt the need to follow it through.

In one way it made sense.  Really!  I spent months in a relationship with someone thinking we were really compatible, but while I liked them immensely it just didn’t work out between us.   I really did wonder if love was just a chemical reaction and either we have it with someone or we don’t?

I have felt it when I first met someone but I don’t have enough experience to know if it’s something that will also come with time.   Why not let a kiss be the answer?  Why waste the time when we’re really not getting any younger?  Maybe it is as good a way as any to start a relationship.

When I got there I saw only young kids in the front of the restaurant so I bought my soda and walked around to the back and he waved from across the room … didn’t stand … looked disappointed … stared at his watch… asked when I had to leave.   I said an hour and a half and he looked at his watch again then and said “I have to take the truck back to my friend pretty soon”.

At this I couldn’t help but smile up at him with my biggest smile like I just didn’t get the clue.  We both sat there across the table from each other in awkward silence where part of me was reluctant to let him off the hook till I tired of torturing him, made an excuse to leave the restaurant with a ‘will call you’ and drove off.

I want to know how guys can instantly decide in that 16th of a second that you are not worth their time, like it is all on the line the moment you meet. I have met guys that said they were 5’10” and showed up 2″ shorter than my 5’7″ and still gave them the courtesy of looking for some kind of connection.

He was not the first to do so but he was by far the rudest.  I am not used to being treated like that, but I am grateful.  This site keeps calling to me like that shiny piece of glass used to when I was young.  I don’t know why I feel the need to do it, but again I feel that pain and know it was just what I needed at the time.

Thank you, It was very nice meeting you Mike.  Hopefully I won’t need to do that again for a while.


Struggling to be one

13 08 2012

I have spent a life time trying to manage this disorder by making myself struggle to BE one uniform single-minded human being.  I thought once I went through the process to be integrated life would be simple and I would feel whole and healthy.

Well more like paranoid and confused.   I don’t know what I want.  To be the singleton I am muting and diluting the things that made me passionate and live on the edge and today it feels just too damn good to be out there.

It’s early and yet I have switched several times this morning already.  I am full of ideas and my mind is creative and active.   There are many here who have found ways to organize their lives and co-ordinate things around their others.  They have found ways to co-operate and take advantage of what is curse when you’re too young to be able to do that.

Being this age and maturity level is a huge benefit even if some of my parts never got this far.  We still benefit from the ability to share who we are with the others… to step in and out of one skin then the other and not lose the memory of what they experienced.

This vibrating string that I am seeing since I arrived makes me aware that it isn’t too late to tap into the gifts they each had and bring them to their fullest potential.  I want to flush them out and allow them to become fully personalized.

One of the bloggers that I follow has their system mapped out and named but I have family that freaks and try’s to get me on drugs when they see me being what they feel is off from NORMAL behavior.

I can’t blame them really.  The repeated hospitalization’s and unwanted drama more than they can cope with.   I too have been scared by this.  It’s almost creepy sometimes feeling like the skin you’re in doesn’t belong to you.

The first time I can remember being HIM, I could see myself.  I was thin and actually had the anatomy that fit who I WAS, a teen age boy.  I reached out and touched it with some part of me aware that that shouldn’t have been possible.  Weird effect on my brain, that being inside and outside.  The I that knows THIS body flipped that I experienced HIM so personally.

I can’t experience HIM that way anymore.  Something in my brain freaks out by the weirdness of knowing that body and mine don’t match…and now he just appears in my head.  Still, sometimes I wish…  I mean DANG that was intense!

Only someone on the outside of this disorder can believe that it’s acting or just a bid for attention.  After it’s over you can doubt the reality of it … but in the moment … the WHO you are then, is as real or more real than the one you know.

I can be bigger then life, or I can temper them all and be normal.  I feel blessed to have a choice, but also exhausted by the idea that I can wake up tomorrow or even seconds from now and remake it in another way and we are all stuck in that moment with what ever who is out decides.

The I’s in me have their own idea’s about how I should live my life and only another multiple could possibly understand how frustrating and disabling that can be.  Right now we are consuming others blogs like a starved man consumes a sparse meal trying to glean any information that would help us to function better.



12 08 2012

According to the dictionary “home” is a place of residence or refuge.  When we got out of the hospital and came back here, to this house that belongs to my brother and his wife … this felt like coming home.  For me “Home” has no physical location, instead, home is an emotional state of comfort.  Very little here belongs to me and yet I feel welcome and wrapped in love.  For me THAT is home.

Years ago I traveled with the Rainbows.  We would drive for hours past the Highways and paved roads to get to the secluded places they chose to camp; the trails often littered with cars that couldn’t survive the hard terrain, only to arrive and truly feel that I was home.  When you came into camp there were always people waiting to welcome you with hugs, food and hand made gifts, who truly seemed to want you there.  I liked taking shifts of cooking and welcoming people so that everyone was blessed with that feeling.

Many times in my past places that sheltered me and my belongings that should have been home were scary and threatening.  They provided no comfort.  I shared them with people that I couldn’t count on.  At times I felt so uncomfortable being alone that just being safe wasn’t enough to make where I stayed my home, even after years of living there.

I have moved a lot in my life and that feeling of being home was very rare when I was younger.  My experience was one of not being wanted, loved, or safe, almost everywhere I went.  If I came close to it, others in control moved me and snatched it away, almost as soon as I realized I could feel it.  

When I grew up and had the ability to choose for myself I settled for what I was used to and when it wasn’t there went about recreating it.  I don’t understand why I would choose to do that; only that I did.

I am very blessed that there were those that did make me feel wanted and for a time I did experience this feeling and what it felt like gave me something to aim for and I am getting better at recreating it in my life. 

I am getting to know so many people on here that WordPress has also become my home.  Your presents in my life has enhanced and blessed me in ways I couldn’t imagine when I signed up just a month ago.  Thank you for making this too my home.


My latest addiction…

1 08 2012

ImageSpent a long weekend with my nieces.  I so needed to do that.  Part of why I am depressed is that I can’t be with my children and Grandchildren.  When I left I thought I would be back in 2 weeks.  I want to be here but I have never been away from my Daughter for more than a few weeks in her whole life.  She is my better half!

The girls are so good to me.  Tiff took me to Hobby Lobby for beading supplies, loaned me some tools and taught me to wire wrap.  I spent the whole 4 days working on my projects.  I am so pleased with the results.  I really needed this!  I canceled my appointment for Monday and did this instead and think it is better than any pill on the planet!

I can’t always write and while I love it and need it, except for rare occasions when I have felt more like a wordsmith then a writer, it doesn’t make me feel like this.  When I paint I feel like this.  I need to get home and get my things.  I left behind my Grandmothers easel and paintbrushes.  So many canvases left unfinished and in my mind these things call to me like old friends.

Some days it’s hard for me to gather 2 thoughts and I need to be productive in order to be happy.  Not having a job anymore makes it harder because housework, even though it needs done, is so perpetual as to feel like there is nothing to show for all you do.  If you wash up all the dishes, 20 minutes later they need done again!  This I have to keep and it is truly beautiful.

I am so blessed to be wrapped in the loving arms of this family.

My Brother and I only had each other.  We had no idea what a real family was and when I look at the family’s that we have built I am proud as hell.  We have raised good humans.  They are kind, loving, and very invested in keeping this structure that we call family a strong supportive place to be.  It’s very good to be a part of it.

When I really think about it, my latest addiction, is my family.  I need them like I need to breathe, and thankfully they are here for me in ways I never imagined they would be.

Now I need to get back to work…


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