This space was supposed to be funny!

23 07 2012

When I started this blog space my sister-in-law was dealing well with her cancer.  Our needs were met.  Everyone I knew was basically doing as good as ever and my mental space was the best it’s ever been.  I wanted to have a place to share that joy of living that was spilling over.  This woman is laugh out loud funny.  I wanted to capture that.   Share it with others.

Where we are now sucks!   Don’t you think when you have a really hard thing going on that God ought to clear your plate of all the trivial crap, and just let you deal with that?  Why does it seem to RAIN SHIT!  We try like hell to screen what we let in but it’s a full-out battle.

I have had to put my focus on other things just to keep the discipline of writing.  I don’t want a diary of this.  I don’t want to live it the first time!

People that we love are dying and for me that is a natural process but the way they have left us, has left us with guilt that makes the grief hard to bear, or even claim.  So what you’re getting now is me on here everyday, no matter what; trying to post something…anything, just for the discipline of doing it.  Yesterday all I could do was read others posts and stare at the screen.

Several times during the day, I felt so weighed down that I went back to bed; but I kept coming back here and still I wrote nothing.  Not one word.  I am so full of grief that I can feel myself shutting down.  I have been here before.  I know how to work it through.  I can’t just let it happen this time.   It’s not the grief that’s doing this.  It’s the guilt.  I have opened up that file and the emotions are overwhelming me.

So I pick it apart.  I have been so involved in the day-to-day of living that I have neglected the needs of those I love.  This weighs heavy on my heart.  I tend to keep in touch with those on Facebook and to neglect everyone else as if this is the extent of my reach.  I only do what it easy.   Normally I would show up at their door or make family time.  Now they are so many miles away and it’s no longer possible to do that.

Years ago they invented a phone so that people could keep in touch with the one’s they love.  I have a strong aversion to using it.  I hate it ringing, interrupting what ever I am doing, for what is often only aggravation.  I don’t want to call out either.   Years of expectation that I should call and keep in touch with the ones I love, that I need to be the one to do so has made it a chore that I resist doing.

So today I make a list of calls to make.  To keep this from being a problem again in the future I make up a calendar with an appointment schedule for calling those that I love.   When the calls are done I will again see how I feel and if it’s not enough look for something else that will take the guilt off my table.

I think also that I need to spend some time praying for their needs to be met.  I am not religious but I do believe in the power of prayer.  The tool of prayer makes me feel less helpless in the face of all the things that I can’t control.  It is easy for me to give Thanks.  I often find myself doing that; so much harder to ask for anything, even when it’s for someone I love.  Practice;  I will do it because I need the practice, until it gets easy and natural for me to do.

Then I can return to trying to pick out the roses, and sharing the beauty I see.

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